I can overlook a lot of flaws when your lightsaber doubles as a racing wheel for Mario Kart

I am a savant. Even under 5 pounds of Kryolan I recognized Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Grand Inceptor as Peter Quinn from Homeland. Of course I did, you can see those cheekbones from space. Or from earth, because they’re in space.

My only problem now is that Star Wars villain voice is mowing down my boner faster than Anakin Skywalker through a nursery of youngling. I know what you’re thinking, the voice is the problem? That would imply acceptance of the white Kabuki-Cat Man Dennis Avner-meets Beats by Dre™ CES concept look. To which I would say, one, even if he is a total bastard he is still a Jedi, and two, if God felt it prudent to bless you with that delicate-yet-undeniably-masculine facial structure, you deserve to rule by divine right.

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