Mostly stealth wrestling gift guide 2015

Mostly stealth wrestling gift guide

It’s hard time to be a wrestling fan. On top of historically low ratings, loyal fans are rewarded with merchandise of cartoon Cena promising hustle, loyalty, and respect in a ’70s strip club font plastered across their ass. So just in time for the holidays – a gift guide for people who like pro-wrestling who mostly don’t want to admit to liking pro-wrestling.

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Eva Marie Makeup Failure: All Red Nothing

eva marie makeup

I am fucking obsessed with Eva’s eye makeup. Since the show started I’ve been freeze framing, trying to figure out what the fuck it is she’s doing. Eva Marie can start maiming girls in the ring like Sara Lee on muscle relaxants, just keep that bitch around long enough that I can master her perfect Mod cat eye.

And yes, for the record I do realize a large problem with this undertaking is that Eva Marie is Mexican-Italian, tan, and has the features of a ’70s rock star’s girlfriend / sexy alien, and I  have very round, very large, eyes that don’t lend themselves to any feline look. But I don’t see race will try anything to look cute, so I tried my best to modify her style to fit my all consuming whiteness.

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12 Rounds 3: Lockdown’s Dean Ambrose vs. Stains the Cupcake Dog

I keep seeing screen caps of 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown, mostly because I have Tumblr. You’d think this would be the doing of the prolific slash fiction penning Tumblr sisterhood, but a surprising number of dudes I follow seem to be aggressively hate-watching it, inadvertently strengthening the cinematic juggernaut that is 12 Rounds (lolz.)

Anyway, Dean Ambrose’s face has been plastered across my screen more than usual lately, and I guess I never really looked at him because he’s always bouncing around or covered by a mess of crazy bangs which has been slowly transforming into a devilock situation. But in still form, I kept thinking, this fucker looks familiar. Specifically his eyes look familiar, that psycho, blue-eyed, cold stare. I started thinking of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, but that wasn’t it. Then I remembered an article about North Korea using the Stoned Birthday Dog as anti-American propaganda, and it hit me:

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Shame

I hate when you’re doing something you’re ashamed of, and the universe decides to make it difficult. So you’re now annoyed, and forced to simmer in your bad decisions.

For three days, every time I tried to watch Total Divas, my DVR refused to play it.

I was trying to watch Total Divas.

For three days.

Do you know how that feels? Do you know the anguish that it brings?

I can now stop talking about Tough Enough unless I’m stupid enough to watch it next year, which I probably am

I watched the finale of Tough Enough, and what would you know, but in the only episode of the series that focused predominately on wrestling, Amanda and Josh came out on top. Of course, as per tradition, the challenges didn’t mean anything, and Sara Lee beat out Amanda, while Pale Roman Reigns/Josh whipped ZZ by a margin so large I have trouble believing it wasn’t manipulated. You’ve got to keep some things consistent, I guess.

Continue reading “I can now stop talking about Tough Enough unless I’m stupid enough to watch it next year, which I probably am”