UPS still sucks/What can’t brown do for you

I was working my way through r/whatisthisthing when I came across this post suggesting the poster had received a $400,000 weather drone in lieu of a weightlifting bench. I assumed it was a hoax, because $400,000 piece of government technology abandoned by UPS until I got to this part of the exchange:

EDIT 2: The UPS guy on the phone had said that this had been in storage, and was something that had been lost in transit, or in some other way went undelivered. He kept saying that it was mine, and something that was intended to be delivered to me, but didn’t make it originally.

With … I knew it was real, because UPS won’t stop doing the same shit to me. We have an elderly neighbor that frequently orders from Plow & Hearth type sites that sell zip up MuuMuus and leaf camo quilted toilet paper covers and they will not stop sending us her bad choices no matter how many times we call.

I swear, this is not for comedic purposes, this is literally what happens if you call UPS customer service

US: Hello, we’ve received a package that doesn’t belong to us
UPS: What is the tracking number
US: [tracking number]
UPS: It says that package was delivered
US: It was delivered, it was delivered to the wrong house
UPS: What is your address
US: [address]
UPS: It says right here the package was delivered to that at [time]
US: Right, but we didn’t order the package, we are [A ADDRESS] the package was for [B ADDRESS]
UPS: Well you’ll have to speak to the business if they sent you something in error
US: I don’t know that it was in error, but it was ordered by [B ADDRESS] not [A ADDRESS]
UPS: So you haven’t received the package
UPS: If you were sent the wrong item, you have to speak with the company that your order
UPS: According to the tracking number, the package was delivered to [A ADDRESS] at [time]

Every time you call them they give you the run around. It’s not stupidity, or miscommunication, they will calmly talk in circles until you give up. The few times we outlasted them and got them to semi-admit the package was at the wrong address, they told us to leave the package outside and they’d come by and pick it up the next business day, but they have not once picked up a package in the several times this has happened.

And not only was it happening to me, it was happening with Puma AE Unmanned Aircraft Systems. UPS lost a $350k drone, was happy to assure this college student he was the recepient of a $350k drone, and then NOAA refused to acknowledge they lost a $350k drone, even if it meant they could get said drone back and recoup $350k.

The only reason the drone was able to be returned was because VICE covered the story and the original poster contacted them to arrange a contact with NOAA.

Bureaucracy at work, man. Each cog in the machine sloughing off responsibility onto another cog until I am left with a pile of deer antlers and polyester-viscose blend on my stoop as people try to convince me the address pf my human form, my living MuuMuu hanger if you will, is not where I am. Maybe it’s a spiritual thing. Maybe UPS is really trying to awaken us to our place the ever unfurling universal fabric, a place that is at once nowhere and everywhere. A place where all packages are undeliverable.

Cake pops vs. Penis envy

Went to Chipotle with Adriana. Discussed the various 30-something to 40-something white guys we are not sleeping with, but would potentially like to. I think the unifying qualities were being plain-looking and an ascending b-list comedian. Also coffins. Apparently they are expensive, and not usually black, like in The Addams Family. Maryland has some very specific death rituals, like digging graves in what is basically a cement well, so you can float in your own liquefied remains so you don’t seep into the groundwater and become one with the earth the sewage system. Also Costco won’t mail us caskets. Nothing like a little mortality talk over a burrito in a Mexican-American casual dining establishment. We also lamented the fickle mistress that is internet fame. I think we decided the one determining factor was early adoption. If someone in PR would like to explain how teenage girls with standard definition Logitech web cams get YouTube famous from poorly executed makeup tutorials I would appreciate it. My sense has always been publicity/management people get involved earlier than it seems, but that still doesn’t explain how you pick one low-res fifteen year old over another.


We went to the pet store to look at the animals because there is nothing else to do that doesn’t involve eating or spending money, and I think the cat adoption woman hit on Adriana or Adriana’s cat? I’m not sure.

I watched UnHung Hero, which is a “documentary” about a guy with a small dick, while enjoying a cake pop that looked like a penis. That movie was awful, I refused to watch the last ten minutes and out of some sense it would give the filmmakers satisfaction to have one more viewer watch it in its entirety. It had the reality of an episode of Catfish. If the events weren’t staged, they managed to edit it in a way that dissolved all credibility. And I just want to say, any Vice reporter worth their salt would have mainlined that Malaysian jungle juice straight into their asshole. There’s a scene where the guy goes to Malaysia and is debating letting some rando inject him with a 2L Coke bottle of what looks like an Arnold Palmer but is apparently some sort of black market dick growth serum. All the Vice reporters would be breathing a sigh of relief, knowing this junkie penis witch doctor just wants to inject them with something in the hand but dude chickens out, which you know he is going to, because the entire film is 90 minutes of nothing. I seriously doubt this man’s dedication to attaining a giant hog. (In reality he learns dick size is really not important and what matters is our health and our relationships blah blah blah. You can tell he’s angling towards this conclusion from the very beginning of this supposed “journey” so the whole thing just feels like a waste of time.)

I will say this though, the one entertaining moment from the film came care of a Korean woman he talks to in a bar who gives a pep talk about love and re-assessing the importance he places on penis size then tells him she’s not interested in Koreans or Americans, only black guys.

I just realized immediately after I read a Vice article on a guy getting cocaine blown up his ass for science (journalism?) so I must have been real desperate for some literal action afterwards.


The Vice Guide to the Japanese Love Industry

vice japanese love industry screen cap

Found this screen cap and it just so happens to be from one of my favorite pieces that I’ve been meaning to post as part of my ongoing series, what is the most fucked up thing I can find on YouTube that arguably still falls under the umbrella of art and/or serious journalism. It’s not so much a blog series as much as something I have dedicated my life to.

So this is “The Japanese Love Industry” from Vice. Vice is almost a cheap choice for weird information, since that (and war zones?) are basically it’s stock in trade. This video has the added distinction of being about Japan (perennially kinky) and being reported by Ryan Duffy, who can usually be counted on to have the most bizarre assignments, and is also hot as f.

I found this piece tame, graphic content-wise. It doesn’t use “love” as a synonym for sex, some of the establishments he visits are more about selling emotional companionship than physical companionship, which is almost more disturbing to me. There is the implication that they witness a highly graphic sex act at the end, but it’s not shown, and I’m of the opinion if I didn’t see it it doesn’t count.

Full piece (13 min) here:

If you would like to see more wow, Japanese sexuality is totally screwed to the point that it could totally effect their global standing and survival as a nation, try

No Sex Please, We’re Japanese (2013) (BBC2)

If you would like to see more Ryan Duffy in morally challenging situations where you get distracted by how tight his pants are, try

Donkey Sex: Colombia’s Most Bizarre Tradition (aka Asses of the Caribbean) Vice, 2012

^totally NSFL, you have been warned

Vice Magazine 2014 Photo Issue: “Corporate Art is Gross”


From the 2014 Photo Issue: “Corporate Art Is Gross”

For this year’s photography issue, Jamie Lee Curtis Taete installed some bland-looking pictures of gross stuff in corporate settings where they might pass as pleasant abstractions.

Above: Used Tampon, Bellagio, Las Vegas

Glass of Piss, Hampton Inn, Lake Havasu City, AZ

Used Condoms, Best Western, Wickenburg, AZ

Semen on Blue Paper, Peppermill Resort Spa Casino, Reno, NV

See the rest