Cake pops vs. Penis envy

Went to Chipotle with Adriana. Discussed the various 30-something to 40-something white guys we are not sleeping with, but would potentially like to. I think the unifying qualities were being plain-looking and an ascending b-list comedian. Also coffins. Apparently they are expensive, and not usually black, like in The Addams Family. Maryland has some very specific death rituals, like digging graves in what is basically a cement well, so you can float in your own liquefied remains so you don’t seep into the groundwater and become one with the earth the sewage system. Also Costco won’t mail us caskets. Nothing like a little mortality talk over a burrito in a Mexican-American casual dining establishment. We also lamented the fickle mistress that is internet fame. I think we decided the one determining factor was early adoption. If someone in PR would like to explain how teenage girls with standard definition Logitech web cams get YouTube famous from poorly executed makeup tutorials I would appreciate it. My sense has always been publicity/management people get involved earlier than it seems, but that still doesn’t explain how you pick one low-res fifteen year old over another.


We went to the pet store to look at the animals because there is nothing else to do that doesn’t involve eating or spending money, and I think the cat adoption woman hit on Adriana or Adriana’s cat? I’m not sure.

I watched UnHung Hero, which is a “documentary” about a guy with a small dick, while enjoying a cake pop that looked like a penis. That movie was awful, I refused to watch the last ten minutes and out of some sense it would give the filmmakers satisfaction to have one more viewer watch it in its entirety. It had the reality of an episode of Catfish. If the events weren’t staged, they managed to edit it in a way that dissolved all credibility. And I just want to say, any Vice reporter worth their salt would have mainlined that Malaysian jungle juice straight into their asshole. There’s a scene where the guy goes to Malaysia and is debating letting some rando inject him with a 2L Coke bottle of what looks like an Arnold Palmer but is apparently some sort of black market dick growth serum. All the Vice reporters would be breathing a sigh of relief, knowing this junkie penis witch doctor just wants to inject them with something in the hand but dude chickens out, which you know he is going to, because the entire film is 90 minutes of nothing. I seriously doubt this man’s dedication to attaining a giant hog. (In reality he learns dick size is really not important and what matters is our health and our relationships blah blah blah. You can tell he’s angling towards this conclusion from the very beginning of this supposed “journey” so the whole thing just feels like a waste of time.)

I will say this though, the one entertaining moment from the film came care of a Korean woman he talks to in a bar who gives a pep talk about love and re-assessing the importance he places on penis size then tells him she’s not interested in Koreans or Americans, only black guys.

I just realized immediately after I read a Vice article on a guy getting cocaine blown up his ass for science (journalism?) so I must have been real desperate for some literal action afterwards.