Fun with Google Webmaster Tools

There was a weird influx of traffic from the Netherlands on this blog the other day, so I took to Google to find out what I was doing that was so appealing to the Dutch, and came to no conclusion. My fleeting Dutch fame remains a mystery. I did check out what search terms people were using to wind up here, which was illuminating/terrifying. I’ve always had questions about how people would even find this site, when it has… no purpose. Not even a niche or a mission statement or thinly veiled attachments to a corporate sponsor. My parents grew up on the East Coast and would tell me about how the land was so treacherous, pirates would just hide in the rocks around the bay and wait for ships to inevitably crash into them, which is the easiest pirating job of all time. That’s how I feel about this blog. It’s just a thing people crash into by accident, while looking for something else. Then they’re fucked.

So since I’m constantly plundering the innocent, I thought I would at least try to answer the questions people keep shipwrecking here in search of.

1. is craig wayne boyd a christian

Look at the hair, probably.

2. is craig wayne boyd married

I know he has a child, because I watched The Voice finale, so I’m assuming if the above is true, and he is Christian he is probably also married.

3. meg myers

Meg Myers is a fucked up bitch. I love Meg Myers. I spent my precious iTunes card money that I hoard on her Make a Shadow EP and it is fantastic. Her official website is megmyers.com

jack swagger shirtless

I did post one blurry picture of Jack Swagger (in a singlet) with Luke Harper from the December 29th 2014 episode of RAW. I will not Google shirtless Jack Swagger for anyone.

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illegal chantelle

ILLEGAL.

alumaster monkey

From this Kumail Nanjiani joke about Pakistani children’s birthday parties. According to Kumail, all Pakistani children have monkey shows at their birthday parties and the monkey’s name is always Alumaster, which translates to “master of potatoes,” but I have no additional information on the monkey. It’s from Kumail’s special Beta Male.

wheels ontario gif

Don’t mind if I do.

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supervet married

He is married to medicine and also me in my dreams.

brickleberry bear name

Malloy.

dale and tucker vs. evil netflix

For Amurica: http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70129463?trkid=3565916

howard stern amy schumer

Amy Schumer is the shit, but don’t listen if you don’t want an overwhelming mental picture what Dolph Ziggler is like in the sack. Or Anthony Jeselnik. Three people I love, and three people I don’t want to think about doing it, in any combination. You’ve been warned.

another word for wizard

Warlock? Philosopher? Librarian?

john cena howard stern

Maybe someone with more wrestling knowledge can date this for me in Cena-evolution terms, but I do not think he would talk about such things any more.

jack whitehall gif

The man is extremely gif-able, apparently.

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seth rollins workout

I don’t know why I was getting this as a query previously, but I’ve been following him on Twitter for like, four days, and I already know more about Crossfit than I have ever cared to know. If you’re into Crossfit, metalcore, and grass-fed beef, you’ve found your new Twitter jam.

jack whitehall sexuality

Straight but questioning after his visit with gay-Giles in that one episode of Fresh Meat. Straight but unabashedly flamboyant according to his Comedy Central stand up special, where he describes a childhood penchant for pairing rollerskates with a Peter Pan costume.

razorlight lyrics

No.

randy orton smokes

If that’s the worst thing Randy Orton does, we are all lucky. (Actually, he lets children RKO him, so that’s pretty cool.) RING THE BELL.

kim kardashian keurig

Always.

are lana and rusev dating in real life

While Googling if she was really Russian (I don’t know how this was even a question) I saw some Quora type shit saying they were, I’ll never do more research on the subject because I want to keep the dream alive. (For the record, she is apparently from Florida, and he is Bulgarian, which they are finally acknowledging, despite his GIANT BULGARIAN FLAG TATTOO.)

johnny borrell jack whitehall

A great episode of Never Mind the Buzzcocks where Jack Whitehall explains how Johnny Borrell of Razorlight wronged his sister. (Season 27, Episode 9)

jack’s mannequin dark blue meaning

I’m assuming dark blue is a metaphor for the sense of comfort love provides in a world that is otherwise chaotic and lonely.

the usos are so boring

No arguments here. Why do they get pyro? No one else gets pyro.

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Meg Myers is a fucked up bitch and I love every second

In eleventh grade when I wrote for my high school newspaper I got screwed into writing an article about our Battle of the Bands. I had serious interests in being a music journalist which were largely fueled by the movie Almost Famous and Sarah Lewitinn. This was not how I intended to pursue those interests. Unfolding almost exactly as I pictured it would, I described a completely uninspired high school band as metal. I really wanted to describe them as nu metal, but I was trying to be kind. The morning the papers were delivered, I got approached by this “band’s” “frontman” in fourth period Russian History and informed, in the most indignant tone possible, that they were not metal, but in fact proto-punk-seventh-wave-prog-rock.

From this second on, I have never wanted to be a music journalist. I figured if high school bands were this big of assholes, any musician that ever received a shred of positive reinforcement must be a fucking nightmare. The genuinely famous and/or talented seem to (confusingly) be nicer and less delusional, but God knows you’re going to be dealing with this Satanic middle group most of the time.

So that’s why I hate writing about music.

But,

Last night in my continued Buzzfeed Video YouTube binge, I got recommended this music video. I almost never click on recommended music, because it is almost always a thirteen year old girl singing country music with heavy Christian imagery, and I WILL NOT BE TRICKED AGAIN THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS, but this drew me in:

Holy shit I am fucking in love with this girl. She instantly reminded me of music’s power to creep you the fuck out. I felt like I was a teenager watching the music videos Chris Cunningham directed for Aphex Twin, or the screeching descent into chaos that is Veruca Salt’s Shimmer Like a Girl, with a dash of Jamie Lee Curtis’s weird, sexualized virgin in Halloween. I had forgotten how much I missed that feeling.

I can’t help but think this is what all those black-lipstick, upside down cross loving, pseudo-junkie teens are going for, but Meg Myers actually delivers. With music. In a pair of sneakers.