27

Boom.

So it was my birthday last week. I’ve pretty much spent the months leading up to every birthday from 22 on (21 was obviously a milestone I was excited for, I had been living in Canada but since a family trip to Disney World when I was 11 it’s always been my dream to drink responsibly in Epcot Center) suffering roving bouts of crippling despair. Starting around March each year, my birthday is in June, I’d have moments where I was just sitting in the car, or watching TV, and I would feel my brain clamp down and go “you’re turning 23. you’re turning 24. you’re turning 25.” It was like watching a dog lock its jaws down and shake its prey. I just felt so defeated. This would happen a few times a week until I got about 72 hours removed from my actual birthday and then it was just full on, constant turmoil and sobbing. I forgot to make a birthday wish while blowing out my candles multiple years because I was just so consumed in how sad I was.

Continue reading “27”

Squirrels

So a bunch of squirrels started nesting in the firewall between my house and my neighbor’s house, just chewed straight through the roof and made themselves at home in the special jurisdiction that was hard to determine whether it belonged to us or our neighbor’s, and where neither side’s chosen exterminators could really see them. I think it was eventually determined the hole was on our neighbor’s property, so they hired this trapping company with employees that exclusively looked like they were in either ZZ Top or Duck Dynasty to put cages on the roof with bait and come out with a big ladder every afternoon and check the traps. So I’d be sitting in my living room and all of a sudden I’d hear THWONK THWONK THWONK SCREEEEEECH and see a giant blue ladder unfurl as a river hippie with a wizard beard stomped his way past my window.

You could hear when the squirrels got trapped in the cages because they’d rattle the bars like a fat, fat, asshole version of my elementary school hamster, Pearl. Just up there running it’s tiny tin cup against it’s cell.

Continue reading “Squirrels”