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Nothing to say really

by margotsmokes

Shittiest blog post ever. I went to the gym today and now everything hurts. I did a solid 30 minutes on the stair stepper mostly at the top of my cardio zone which is like, 168, and then tried to push it to the aerobic zone or whatever the f the other zone is at like 173 for a few minutes which of course made me want to vomit almost instaneously and then I had heart cramps even after I cranked that bitch back down because I’m scared of falling off the stair stepper.

And I did some machines and shit. I don’t know. I never feel like I look any different. I have good form. I read stuff about like, macros and I don’t feel like I eat a whole lot, but there’s also f all I like to eat. I like Nandos. I like Panera. I like Diet Coke, weird juice, cheese, just like, pieces of cheese, protein bars, the full fat chocolate Muscle Milk, all baked goods, that’s about it. I can’t alter my diet to eat 3 meals of liver and steamed asparagus a day, I will die.

On top of that my intestines have always been fucked, and I’ve never found out if I have any food allergies, or found any answer beyond “that’s not right” since this healthcare system is stupid. So I could be fat because of that too.

I’m not fat. I’m just frustrated. I feel like I have two modes in my life: in a complete rut, going insane at the unchanginess of things, wondering if they will ever change, terrified that they will not, feeling completely agenciless OR going batshit insane, parlalyzed with fear that things are moving too fast and I have no control over them and everything is complete chaos. Sometimes these feelings are all encompassing, and other times I feel them at the same time towards different parts of my life. Now is one of those times.

I’m mad that I have love handles and a pudgy stomach despite being skinny as fuck generally and eating well at what not. I’m more mad that I have no idea how to change this situation, which could be complicated by a health issue I also can’t get a hold of.

Everything is in chaos because it’s been that way for months, my grandparents house being sold, a medical emergency in the family, people moving here, spending weekends in other places or with other people in my house which I am no longer used to, shit breaking and then having endless people coming in trying to fix it. Trying to figure out whether I’m going to keep taking music lessons when it’s expensive and the administrative side of the business is kind of incompetent and so it’s constant stress just to get their money too them. Blah, not big things. But I don’t have a hearty emotional constitution.

I took an Ambien 2 hours ago and I’m still totally coherent. Riding the wave of wanting things to change and wanting things to stop changing all at the same time.

I had more to say, or something different to say, I can’t even remember. I’m going to go attempt to hydrate and then watch Mr. Robot or something because why not at this point.

Oh and I will add, just because I just remembered it, today was actually a pretty good day. There has been some sort of Pokemon migration and I caught a bunch of Meowths and Haunters/Gastlys and Cubones which were never around before. Ate a decent pretzel bread sandwich with my sister post-gym as we watched some fail videos of cute animals and children. Listened to the new WOR while stuffing Halloween bags and drinking a whiskey/ginger I made out of my good Jack danie’s reserve out of an insulated skippy cup for practicality. I don’t usually drink hard liquor but I treated myself. Decent episode of Project Runway tonight. If I had gotten more singing in, I would have zero complaints.

The laziest stake-out of all time

by margotsmokes

So a few weeks ago, I went to my music lesson, walked around for a bit and caught Pokemon, got some Nando’s, went home to watch Big Brother, my usual Summer routine.

When I got back home, it started pissing rain. I mean an absolute downpour, a muggy-ass August-in-Maryland thunderstorm. As is custom, there is a meteorological shitfit for several hours until the rain cries itself dry and all returns to normalcy. I have lived through many aqueous seasonal offerings of the glorious mid Atlanitic, but I have never done so in a post Pokemon Go world. Normally, there is a sketchy window where everyone waits on baited breath, attempting to determine whether it is safe to go outside, but this is apparently no longer the case. Within seconds of the rain stopping, my street is full and all the neighborhood poke stops are lit up with lures. It was simultaneously pathetic and admirable. This digital overlay on the real world was laying bare the true, otherwise invisible motivations of my neighbors.

The even better part was this one group that refused to move. They sat there all night pumping lures into a PokeStop. It was a beautiful night, but they just sat there in their running car from 8pm-3am. I know this because I didn’t sleep until they left. It was just too damn fascinating. Every time those pink hearts collapsed into the PokeStop, I thought, they’ve finally had their fill. but NO seconds later it would rise from the dead.

Eventually I just grabbed my chilli chocolate cookie from Nando’s, put on a documentary on Sick Nick Mondo, and luxuriated. 3AM. They sat in a parked car for 7 hours. I heard no voices, so it could have been one person, and I also never heard a car door, so that person could have been peeing in an empty Gatorade bottle in their car for all I know. I never have to be ashamed again.

Best part? When I looked out the window at 10AM or so the next morning THEY WERE BACK and in the light of day I could see THEY DROVE A BMW. A NEW BMW. NOT SOME 1990S I-TECHNICALLY-DRIVE-A-BMW, BMW. Rich people. Sitting in a parked car.

Beautiful.

Other things I did in the month of July

by margotsmokes

Watched 5 full seasons of Shameless

  • This is not entirely my fault. We got Showtime as part of a one month free trial, which is how I got roughly four and a half seasons deep. A portion of the trial ticked by while we were in Ottawa, otherwise I am certain one month of free cable would have sufficed. But once you’re over two thirds of the way through the series, might as well go all the way. So I employed the one month Roku free trial and will be six seasons strong in a couple days.
  • I am in love with Lip, not currently, but at least initially. Rebellious genius with a dry sense of humor who dresses alternately like a teddy boy and a young yacht owner? Yes please. Every character has sucked since season three, but I’m no quitter.

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Ottawa/Canada Day 2016: The Muskrat’s Lack of Revenge

by margotsmokes

First of all, this should be an aside, but I want to write my blog post chronologically not in terms of importance, so this is going at the beginning: I am fucking in love with Porter Airlines. I’ve heard people talk about them the way they talk about SoulCycle and Wegman’s and other cult-y shit, and if we’re going to be honest, my response was always “you whores,” so easily bought for a pack of free cookies and aiport WiFi. But the hype is real. They fucked up our checked carry ons every single leg of our trip, but I don’t even care. Those snacks are incredible. Their flight attendants are the nicest and they have the best outfits. I would purchase one of their tiny, glass, Porter Airline branded cups for use in my real life. I would attempt to live in the aiport lounge of Billy Bishop if it weren’t for the fact seeing the CN Tower and the TD building and the Sky Dome and the roundhouse for those few fleeting moments made me feel like I was getting hit in the stomach with a bag of rocks and I actually thought I was going to cry. Thank God the safe windowless Porter Airlines lounge with it’s endless free coffee was there to comfort me.

Anyways,

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U.S. Citizenship + Babies + McDonald’s

by margotsmokes

I GOT MY U.S. CITIZENSHIP after a thousand years.

Not that I applied a thousand years ago, that went fairly fast, but I’ve lived here since I was eleven (minus college) so everyone I know from Canada thought I was American and everyone I knew from America mostly didn’t know I was Canadian. I’ve felt like both forever, and time-wise my life has been spent almost exactly 50-50 between the two, so it wasn’t so much like gaining something so much as it was… feeling acknowledged? I know that doesn’t fit the patriotic rhetoric, but if someone talks shit about America I will feel compelled to talk shit about them and if someone talks shit about Canada I will feel compelled to talk shit about them and that I think, is the true test of citizenship.

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