My Middle School Blog: 12/17/2002

Tuesday, December 17, 2002, 09:12 PM EST

but we all bleed the same way as you do… and we all have the same things to go through…. HOLD ON if you feel like letting go…. HOLD ON it gets better than you know. <— lyrics fromm good charlotte’s hold on. thats such an awesome song. everyone should download it. so anyways. yesterday i tried to get onto my blog and it said that portland had a terminal server crash. and i was like crying because i thought i had lost all my archives. it came back at around 8:33 and i started crying of happiness. i dont know what i would do if i lost these archives. these are my MEMORIES. my only true feelings. i dont capitatlize, i dont check for spelling, this is just whatever is on my mind. like a cheap therapist. i dont know what i would do without you my dear blog. i need a new blog layout though… i had one featuring mt. deryck whibley. guitarist, vocalist, lyricist, and hot rockstar god extrodinaire. but i think i want something darker… yes i know. the holidays. but it seems that alot of shit has been happening to friends of mine, and i want something with a message. hence the lyrics posted at the top of this post… well i’ll have to think up some ideas… and find some pics… peace out!

Throwback Thursday: My Middle School Blog

May 7, 2003, “”
ahh okay. it’s been long without an entry. i’ve been working on [old domain I had], which when it finally gets up, will be the new home of this blog. anyways. a quick recap of last week: tuesday, in the middle of social studies, the other social studies teacher walked into our room and gave everyone beef jerkey. coincidentally, we were learning about the donner party… pleasant. the same day, one of the popular kids practically fainted in the middle of the math room door way. i felt bad for him. he was just laying their in the door way as they tried to find the nurse. we had to push all the desks away from the other door so kids could get in… cause we couldnt step over him. eventually we just moved the whole class into the library, cause he was still there. thursday we had the coolest french sub. she liked metallica and got kicked off napster for dloading their songs. sunday… omg… ok so i was sitting in my moms car in the parking lot of this bookstore called borders… i was waiting for my sister to put her walkman in her bag so that we could go into the store (she cant just shove the walkman in the bag, she has to perfectly roll it up) when i see these 2 guys walking towards the car a space away from us. and they both looked emo, and were really hot, and one of them was wearing a sum 41 shirt. so out of excitement i yell SUM 41! not realizing that my mom had turned the noisy car engine off, and they can now hear me. im just like OH FUCK. then the sexy emo boys get into their car and drive away. in borders i bought a new book for my lyrics…and a magazine that makes fun of courtney love (ha!) then i went to starbucks and got a chocolate frappucino or something like that… it was good… so are expresso brownies. holy shit their good too. we went out to dinner it was so boring. as i was starring at the table i figured out that i didnt know hot emo sum fan’s name. so i decided to make one up…nick ritter… named after the emo kid named nick at my school, and tyson ritter singer of emo band, the all american rejects. wee… dats the shit yo. haha. tuesday… we saw a midsummer night’s dream play at school… today… was a half day. at 3:45 i got my ears pierced. it’s a very odd feeling to get your ears pierced… very weird. the nurse hat pierced my ears was really nice. so thats cool. then i went to walgreens and bought lipgloss and stuff to clean my ears so they dont get infected, and my mom bought me mcdonalds, and i figured out how to work her car cd player, and played soco in her car cause i couldnt wear headphones cause of my ears. and then i got home at like 4:32, and ate my mcdonalds… now im here… writing this…
May 7, 2003, “quick recap”
quick recap… haha… i cant believe i wrote that much…

2015 Notes:

  • My sister still does that with her headphones, and it still annoys the shit out of me
  • I have zero recollection of anyone passing out in the hallway
  • I do remember the vast majority of this day, including the substitute teacher and the hot emo fucks. Nick Ritter became my mental catchall term for anyone hot I didn’t know, which obviously managed to be a ton of people over the years.
  • This was literally the first time I had ever been in a Borders, or a Starbucks. I became convinced a long time ago that this one great day in a pile of garbage days was the reason I later patronized both so aggressively. You’re welcome, Starbucks.
  • RIP Borders
  • Piercing my ears was a source of incredible emotional turmoil for 2-3 years, which seemed like an unbearably long time. I genuinely felt my parents had ruined my life by not having my ears pierced as a baby when I wouldn’t remember it. I had a crippling fear of the pain, but also desperately wanted “real” piercings (which I was somehow less afraid of?) and thought it would be the weirdest, most unimaginable concept ever to get a piercing at a shop before having my ears pierced. On one hand it’s great that these were my concerns, (and not food, shelter, etc.) but on the other hand, I was literally sick from grappling with this level of decision-making. I ended up getting my ears pierced a second time a month later (which I regret, ruined the symmetry) and another over the years another 8+ more holes jammed through my body. I correctly predicted that part of my life.
  • A woman mistook me for a Walgreen’s employee during this trip, and it was such a source of crippling embarrassment to me for so many years, I assume it’s not written here because I couldn’t even bear to write it down. Not because she mistook me for a drugstore employee mind you, but because she mistook me for anyone at all. I managed to feel both completely exposed and somehow disappointed that I wasn’t who she wanted me to be. The social anxiety came on early, and strong, apparently.

National Siblings Day

Yesterday was National Siblings Day, I don’t know if that is some sort of semi-officially designated national holiday, or something Twitter invented, like “Zayn Appreciation Day” but it did cause me to pause and think about my sister, and one incident in particular.

It was 1994. I was 5, she was 3. We had family in town that we didn’t get to see often, and I was in awe. Their kids were slightly older than us, and I followed them around starstruck. Their family is very musical, and every time they would start singing, or hammering chopsticks into my Fischer-Price toy piano, I would explode with a combination of glee and envy.

We were all at Price Club one night, and I spotted something I had to have: a Beauty and the Beast recorder set, with a little recorder and songbook sealed perfectly in a plastic clamshell package. My Mom tried to shoo me away, because I didn’t know how to play the recorder, but her friend stepped in and offered to buy it for me, in a gesture to nurture whatever musical abilities I had. (If you play two Nickelback songs back-to-back my Mom literally cannot determine they are the same band.)

I had no idea how to fucking read, let alone read sheet music, but I laid that songbook out and was determined to figure it out through sheer willpower. I was going to stare at it and make sounds until it made sense.

My sister was in the living room with me, rolling around on the carpet, watching TV. Abruptly she decided she did not appreciate my desire for self-betterment, and proceeded to drop-kick me in the face. Like a tiny Anthony Pettis, she made a direct hit with the end of the recorder, ramming it into my face and knocking out both my front teeth.

I remember having to remove the recorder embedded in my face, seeing something that moments before was such a symbol of hope and happiness, streaked with blood, as I came to the realization that I no longer had teeth.

It was my first musical memory.

So Happy National Siblings Day, Allison. It’s been 20 years and you’re still a bitch.

A decade under the influence

Copying Jessica who just posted her journal entry for a Something Corporate show at the 9:30 Club ten years ago (holy motherfucking shit.) She and I and Adriana went together, and I also have an entry for this show, although it was posted five days later, on February 1st, 2005. I thought it would be interesting to compare notes.

2/1/05 9:49PM

“Soco was Thursday”

Amazing.

Went with Jess & Yana. We were 2 or 3 people in, center-right for the opening acts (The Academy Is…, Hidden in Plain View, Straylight Run) but I got out after Straylight Run because the crowd was getting uncharacteristically violent (it’s a Something Corporate show, come on now). Grabbed some much needed water from the bar, bought a hoody (hoodie?) and headed up to the balcony. Not as great viewing (distance-wise), but a better all around experience since I was able to breathe and ENJOY the show.

I’m unsure what to say about the setlist, if you’re into Something Corporate, they ran through the major singles, plus an acoustic version of I Want To Save You, Watch the Sky, and Konstantine. They spun a disco ball during the part of Konstantine which goes “when the first star you see may not be a star.” Being up in the balcony with the club glowing purple from the lights, and these little twinkling disco ball stars… a dorky comment I know, but it was so surreal, kind of magical.

Andrew broke one of his piano keys. I know nothing about pianos, it’s not like I can grade his abilities as a pianist, but you can tell he’s passionate. I think that counts more.

Survived first encounter with DDRmom outside after the show. Grabbed a bunch of flyers from the street teams. Got a Black Maria sampler from some guy. Felt like looting.

Got home at like 1:30. Can someone pay me to do this please. Really. I was thinking about this when I was lying in bed Thursday night. I just want to go to shows every night and come home exhausted and sweaty and smelling like smoke and pass out in my bed with my clothes on and go “well this is rock and roll.” Because IT IS like that. It’s like an alternate universe. You come out of it and it’s like YOU SAW the music. It’s not a teenybopper thing, it’s purer than that…

It’s like the lights and the crowd and the energy and the noise.

I don’t know. I don’t see the use in trying to describe it, since knowing the explaination for why something makes you happy really never seems to change a damn thing

I truly think they should teach journaling at the high school level, or at least start some pro-diary initiative. I had a suspicion in middle school that at some point I would come to value the records of these events, no matter how mundane, and it’s already paying off. The funny thing is, the conclusion I draw from every single old entry I read, is exactly the same: it’s amazing how much you change, and it’s amazing how much you stay the same. I was always hung up on the saying “you are who you were in high school,” on one hand I wanted it to be true, because that time seemed like such a distilled, sincere expression of who I am, but at the same time, fuck, high school, really? But through reading old things I’ve written, I’ve realized It’s not an either/or proposition. I haven’t deviated 70% from who I was at sixteen, and retained 30% of my characteristics. I’m 100% a different person, and 100% the same person at the same time.

P.S. here is the hoody/hoodie

soco piano hoodie