New investment opportunity: grey wide plank laminate flooring

I’m not sure how this has escaped the notice of finance reporters, but you can just peel the backing off this stuff, lay it down, tap it gently together with a rubber mallet, and double the value of a home.

Seriously, try it for yourself. Procure a medium to large sized cardboard box, go to town on that thing laying down some wide plank grey laminate flooring. The backing peels off just like the band aid it is on our crumbling economy. Its synthetic structure far removed from the sturdy, natural wood it mocks as part of our Baudrillardian dystopian reality.

There’s probably a line of middle class families standing in line, credit reports in hand, eyes filled with hope, terror, and the terror of feeling hope, ready to inhabit your brand new wide plank grey laminate floored shit box. Due to the unique properties of the flooring, your box now possesses the mystique of being “upgraded” and “modern” and accordingly, you can demand applicants provide proof their take home pay is 3.5 times rent and their credit score is above 650.

Now you’re thinking, but wait, this wide plank grey laminate flooring has provided me riches greater than I ever imagined, wealth that I would like to hoard like Scrooge McDuck, but can not my affluence only be continued by maintaining a general structural integrity of the cardboard box the wide plank grey laminate flooring rests upon?

Good for you for not forgetting at its core, you possess a cardboard box. This is the kind of keen insight that demonstrates you are deigned to belong to the ruling class. For this there is both good news, and bad news. The bad news is you legally cannot ban children from residing in your shitbox. The good news is you can ban pets, as even an eight pound cat provides a significant threat to integrity of your domicile. Additionally, tenants will be so demoralized by the lack of companionship and affection they will pay less attention to the disjointed, ass backwards hell-scape they are living in.

If all else fails, evict them, strip your box of its wide plank grey laminate flooring and save for future use. No need to recycle the cardboard box, leave it in its original location and a mixed-use development with townhouses starting in the low $500ks will spring up in its place. You just cut off a diseased limb and got a Tropical Smoothie Cafe!

Some people hoard bullets, some people invest in silver, I will be guarding a garage full of wide plank grey laminate flooring.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: