On Becoming a God in Southern Florida

I have been coming to this park nearly every day for the past 38 years. I have seen heart attacks, marriage proposals, projectile vomit, desegregation. But never, I mean never, have I seen birds drop out of the sky.


Chuck Sr

“Connecticut Hall. I fucked three girls in there once in a 24-hour period. One in the can!” – Chuck Sr.

You screwed a girl in a dorm bathroom? – Chuck Rhoades

“No, sonny.”- Chuck Sr.

Small parts and small actors

I feel uncomfortable just thinking of something that does anything less than applaud the convictions of versatile actor and hot beanie wearing piece of ass Peter Dinklage


Are dwarves even little people? I thought dwarfs were dwarfs, and little people were little people. I figured that the term dwarfism though medically accurate, was just an unfortunate holdover from how we used to describe people, like an as-of-yet-uncancelled “mongoloid” or “Siamese”. Gimli from Lord of the Rings is a dwarf, Gimli is not a little person. I don’t believe Gimli is even played by a little person. He’s a mythological short creature played by a human man of average size.

I never thought Snow White’s dwarfs were little people, I thought they were mythical creatures. Honestly I think of them more as gnomes than dwarfs, they look like garden gnomes with little garden gnome hats. Why would there be so many little people in one place? That points to mythical race to me. Are they a biological family, the seven dwarfs? Because I always thought they were more like bros in a barracks, or some sort of company town. Weren’t they miners? Did I make that up? I don’t want to cheat and Google it but I always thought seven dwarfs were non-human miners, probably chosen because there small size would make them more effective in tiny mine shafts, living together in bachelorhood, and then this chick comes along like Goldie Hawn in Overboard, and they keep her around for a combination of amusement and because she does dishes with birds or something. Just adding a bit of feminine energy to this very male mining outpost.

I may have my first draft for Snow White and the Seven non-human Dwarfs: Fort McMurray edition, basically. Snow White is going to start stripping for some extra pocket change.

China’s war on the West

I ate two portions of Panda Express honey sesame chicken and then pissed out my ass for so long it may be calorie-neutral.

Blurred lines

Apparently my sister and I are passed squirming in embarrassment when we’re watching TV with our parents and a sex scene starts…

We were watching Billions with my Mom when a nude lesbian couple started doing rails of blow off each other’s tits and in unison my sister and I just said “that’s a waste of cocaine.”