Oh my God. 2 weeks ago, I got so sick completely out of nowhere. One afternoon I’m enjoying the unseasonably warm weather, getting peppermint cake pops, catching Pokémon in the Starbucks parking lot, preparing for Thanksgiving, and the next day I’m on my ass.

I don’t have a real hearty constitution, and I am a whiny sick baby. I oscillate between self-care and crying in the fetal position and there is no in between. Also I am an emotional eater.

I blew up a block of Velveeta in my microwave at like 1 in the morning in a bout of self pity. I followed the instructions. I turn around for 1 second to grab a paper towel because my nose was dripping, and when I turn back there is a mushroom cloud of molten cheddar. I mixed the cheese and a couple teaspoons of milk in a large cereal bowl, and apparently an air pocket had formed and inflated the cheese into this huge precarious dome. I hit off ASAP but it was too late, the dome had collapsed and was now dripping hot Velveeta all over the turntable, and what’s worse, I lost at least 50% of my cheese. I was so sad. I cleaned of the glass tray as fast as I could so the cheese wouldn’t harden,  then gunned it the fuckout of there with my half cheese and my sad patch of crackers to watch Undecided, a mockumentary about undecided voters. Which for the record, was cute. The article I read about it in (AV Club?) compared it to Borat, which was a falsehood. I would watch the shit out of undecided voter Borat. This was decidedly feel good.

The next morning I felt even worse. I genuinely thought I was going to cry in the CVS parking lot while my Mom bought me a second type of decongestant. No medicine was making a dent and I just got so frustrated and exhausted. Over a cold. This was honestly the demon cold, though. I’ve had pneumonia multiple times, I’ve had scarlet fever, I had a septoplasty, this was the worst. I couldn’t breathe through my nose AT ALL. like every time I tried to drink, I would feel like I was suffocating. Same thing with eating food, even the second to pause to swallow caused total panic. I’ve never experienced anything like that before.

None of the over the counter drugs were working, as I sat in my kitchen trying to stave off the tears a little voice in my head said burn it out. I hate spicy food but I was so angry and desperate the situation called for spicy chicken panang.

And you know what? That night was the happiest I have been in a long time. The focus was so singular, savor in anything you can that makes you happy, because you have no control over this situation. I ate my Thai food slowly and thoughtfully. I was so happy Step Brothers was on. I savored a can of Diet Pepsi I promised myself that I could not taste, and decided to make a night of it and light a cake scented Yankee Candle I could not smell. It was poetic. I have been reconsidering my… life perceptions. It’s probably not good when the most at peace you’ve felt in a long time is at your most sleep deprived and physically ill. I don’t know, I just can’t relax, I think that’s something a lot of people can relate to, I can’t watch a half hour show without thinking ‘oh my room is messy’ ‘oh I have to put this away’ or checking my phone or half-assedly tidying or whatever. I think I just got so sick and miserable I was like “FUCK THIS NONE OF THIS SHIT IS GETTING DONE RIGHT NOW” and go figure, it was enjoyable.

It’s been over two weeks and I’m still hacking up weird shit. So my life has revolved around mucous. I have yet to get myself back in my mid-cold mental state, but I’m trying. I hope I don’t forget. That is my problem, I have these revelations but I totally forget about them before I can form some new habit, and if I try consciously to form a habit I get overwhelmed.

I couldn’t sing for 3 weeks or so, my voice is still breaking while talking (demon cold.) It was so depressing. I like singing too much, if I can’t or don’t do it I just go all nutty. Like stir crazy. I played guitar for a bit because there was nothing else for me to do and it came back a lot faster than I thought it would, which was reassuring. I found a tutorial for Shinsuke Nakamura’s theme and tried that out a bit and that was surprisingly fun, maybe I want to play more solo-y stuff because God knows I fell off the guitar wagon hard.

How do people get things done. I can’t even figure out how to get the things I like done.

Yesterday I got to meet up with Jessica and Adriana. We got ramen and Coldstone and just caught up for several loiter-y hours. It was super, super nice to talk to them as our little unit. I needed that badly. Frankly there are a lot of people getting married and babymaking and while I genuinely am happy for everyone, it was really great to have a conversation that went “you don’t want to have babies or get married soon either right? that sounds terrifying and completely insane?” “NOPE.” Also, I haven’t gotten Coldstone in so long, it was so satisfying. That fucking strawberry blonde. Damn. It was completely empty because it was like 9PM and freezing out and the two employees they had hid in the back the whole time and told us to put our chairs back and directed us to the 1 trash can we were allowed to use because even though they were open for another hour they had already shut down and they didn’t want to clean up twice, LOL.

Unrelated but I watched a Brian Posehn Christmas movie called Uncle Nick that I am still processing. It should be the go to (/possible only option) for anyone who wants a dry dark comedy set at Christmas while not being Christmas-y at all/verging on completely depressing. Also you or your viewing companions cannot be afraid of dicks or cum “jokes” and I say that not to be crude but as a warning. For the sake of Brian Posehn I hope he used a stunt cock because that movie featured the scariest dick I’ve ever seen.