The laziest stake-out of all time

So a few weeks ago, I went to my music lesson, walked around for a bit and caught Pokemon, got some Nando’s, went home to watch Big Brother, my usual Summer routine.

When I got back home, it started pissing rain. I mean an absolute downpour, a muggy-ass August-in-Maryland thunderstorm. As is custom, there is a meteorological shitfit for several hours until the rain cries itself dry and all returns to normalcy. I have lived through many aqueous seasonal offerings of the glorious mid Atlanitic, but I have never done so in a post Pokemon Go world. Normally, there is a sketchy window where everyone waits on baited breath, attempting to determine whether it is safe to go outside, but this is apparently no longer the case. Within seconds of the rain stopping, my street is full and all the neighborhood poke stops are lit up with lures. It was simultaneously pathetic and admirable. This digital overlay on the real world was laying bare the true, otherwise invisible motivations of my neighbors.

The even better part was this one group that refused to move. They sat there all night pumping lures into a PokeStop. It was a beautiful night, but they just sat there in their running car from 8pm-3am. I know this because I didn’t sleep until they left. It was just too damn fascinating. Every time those pink hearts collapsed into the PokeStop, I thought, they’ve finally had their fill. but NO seconds later it would rise from the dead.

Eventually I just grabbed my chilli chocolate cookie from Nando’s, put on a documentary on Sick Nick Mondo, and luxuriated. 3AM. They sat in a parked car for 7 hours. I heard no voices, so it could have been one person, and I also never heard a car door, so that person could have been peeing in an empty Gatorade bottle in their car for all I know. I never have to be ashamed again.

Best part? When I looked out the window at 10AM or so the next morning THEY WERE BACK and in the light of day I could see THEY DROVE A BMW. A NEW BMW. NOT SOME 1990S I-TECHNICALLY-DRIVE-A-BMW, BMW. Rich people. Sitting in a parked car.

Beautiful.

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