Things I need to write about

  • Canada Day in Ottawa
  • Destroying my own ass with a DVD player
  • The big ass snake we found on our doorstep and my attempt to communicate with it (can’t hurt to try)
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My Birthday Redux

Should’ve mentioned that my birthday was not shitty.

I got a beautiful, $250 blush pink  lace Ralph Lauren dress at Burlington Coat factory for $40 and it was a size 2 so I kept that fucking tag. Tacky, I know, but I need this in my life right now.

Ever since college it has been more about the birthday outfit than anything else for me. Like as long as someone will take me to dinner in a cute outfit and buy really corny party decorations I’m kind of cool. I just want to look real pretty and come home to the entire contents of a dumpster behind City. I wanted to go to Founding Farmers because I always want to go to Founding Farmers but it’s so expensive and not particularly closeby. So I pulled the birthday card on that one. And, OMFG BEST BURGER OF MY LIFE. Literally. The best. burger. of. my. life. I don’t even think they gave me THE RIGHT burger. But I didn’t even fucking care because it was so good. Balsamic and goat cheese and a ton of these really really dill-y pickles. I’m not even a big pickle person, but it was SO GOOD. SO GOOD. My sister got a Sazerac even though it was like 5pm, and I tried that shit and that was so good too. I’m going back, I’m going to live in Founding Farmers.

Our waitress was sooooo nice too. She was also 27. Said it had been a good age for her so far.

So my Mom and sister plastered our main floor with WWE decorations and fulfilled my wildest fantasies. I still have the HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner with the faces of the WWE Superstars over my bed (John Cena’s face is on two letters, everyone else just got one, what the fuck?) Instead of party hats there were Rey Mysterio masks, and paper belts you could tie on. The paper plates were the championship belt face plate. I got paper cups and napkins with more Cena faces all over them, and I drank my $20 bottle of Chandon out of his paper head while eating leftover Founding Farmers kettle corn and corn bread while watching Sisters, (which was disappointing, ironically (?) except for John Cena’s character.) The best part was WWE apparently does not update their decoration selection frequently, so everything was covered in Rey Mysterio and Daniel Bryan and CM Punk faces. I kept a Rey Mysterio mask and title belt, seriously that shit was so entertaining, and after a while I started rationing the plates because they were so fun too.

My cake was a Costco cake that I specifically requested, because I am all about that 12lbs, 2ft x 3ft Costco sheet cake, vanilla/vanilla with that weird custard shit in the middle. It is usually the only thing I eat through the entire month of June. My family aren’t big cake people, so I have an all cake diet for one month out of the year, and I look forward to it. My Mom got some sort of… custom cake sticker… off Etsy or Amazon or something. It was real bootleg in the best way possible. This sort of… Nintendo 64 looking group photo with Rowdy Roddy Piper and Owen Hart and Rob Van Dam and shit. The best part was on the end was Sgt Slaughter, I just went through this thing with my sister where she mentioned her best friend is close family friends with ‘a wrestler who wears a military a hat,’ and my subsequent freakout and attempt to explain how famous Sgt Slaughter is, so that he would end up on my birthday cake was real fitting.

So yeah, we watched Sisters which imo sucked, minus Cena and the Korean manicurist character, who exuded otherworldly levels of bitchiness. Then I took my paper Cena double cup (for the leakage) full of grocery store champagne and retired to my room where I ate 4lbs of vegetable oil solids off a title belt while watching King of the Road until my eyes bled.