HVAC Cycle of Life: Fucked furnace becomes fucked air conditioner

So it finally got hot out and we realized our air conditioner wouldn’t turn on. It was brutal. I am a very crabby hot person. I just lose all rationality and ability to think and just wander around wanting to die while rhetorically asking HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS? Which is only rhetorical because I can’t bear another human interaction in my moment of suffering, not because it’s not a real question that I have, which it is.


After a few days of wedging wads of Bounty under my tits in an attempt to quell the raging rapids of boob sweat, praying for the sweet release of death, watching my pint of Moorenko’s cotton candy & gummy bear ice cream go from freezing to half-melted in the time it took to walk up the stairs (the few gummy bears that were wedged in icebergs of frozen cream were still soft, which as a gummy-bear-in-ice-cream connoisseur I can tell you is not common, and might be some form of witch magic) I ate the whole thing because I knew if I put it back in the freezer it would go all ice shard-y and I was already depressed and then I ruined my episode of John Oliver by having a massive “MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE” moment as I fanned my tits in vain with wet paper towels on my head.

It turns out the fucking thing was broken at all. My Mom is insanely gullible, a quality that irritates the fuck out of me only because it is easier than accepting the massive level of cunty people that are on this planet. She hired local-ish contractors because they were cheap back in the winter when our furnace broke. They gave her the whole spiel, “oh m’am, you have FAMILY living with you, our first concern is your SAFETY…another company might turn the furnace back on but we don’t want that on our CONSCIENCE” obviously mine and my Mom’s only concern was that our house not explode, so I listened to the guy restate three or four times that the gas and power was shut off to the furnace, they even spent an extra 45 silent minutes in our basement confirming.

Aaaaand as we found out looking for the source of our air conditioner problems, none of it was actually shut off, not a damn thing. Both gas lines to the furnace were still open, it was still getting electricity, they didn’t even switch off the fuse. The only thing preventing it from turning on was that it didn’t happen to get cold. When the GAC man came with his several hundred dollar service fee, he deduced in about 30 seconds that there was nothing wrong with the air conditioner, these motherfuckers just put the furnace door back on incorrectly.

Jesus Christ. I’m going to contracting school just so I can shade these bitches and do the ass-fucking instead of getting fucked-in-the-ass. Eloquent I know, but my Grandpa really did it right by just deciding to know everything about absolutely everything and then doing everything himself.

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