27

Boom.

So it was my birthday last week. I’ve pretty much spent the months leading up to every birthday from 22 on (21 was obviously a milestone I was excited for, I had been living in Canada but since a family trip to Disney World when I was 11 it’s always been my dream to drink responsibly in Epcot Center) suffering roving bouts of crippling despair. Starting around March each year, my birthday is in June, I’d have moments where I was just sitting in the car, or watching TV, and I would feel my brain clamp down and go “you’re turning 23. you’re turning 24. you’re turning 25.” It was like watching a dog lock its jaws down and shake its prey. I just felt so defeated. This would happen a few times a week until I got about 72 hours removed from my actual birthday and then it was just full on, constant turmoil and sobbing. I forgot to make a birthday wish while blowing out my candles multiple years because I was just so consumed in how sad I was.

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HVAC Cycle of Life: Fucked furnace becomes fucked air conditioner

So it finally got hot out and we realized our air conditioner wouldn’t turn on. It was brutal. I am a very crabby hot person. I just lose all rationality and ability to think and just wander around wanting to die while rhetorically asking HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS? Which is only rhetorical because I can’t bear another human interaction in my moment of suffering, not because it’s not a real question that I have, which it is.

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