What Does the Mole Say?


Have you guys ever seen a mole?

First of all, there’s squirrels living in the walls. We discovered them shortly after the roof started leaking after the Blizzard.

So I’m looking up red tailed hawk calls and holding my phone up against the wall in an attempt to scare off the squirrels. Then I start YouTubing squirrel distress calls, and playing those up against the wall, to cover my bases.

A couple days later I’m on my computer watching fail videos or something when YouTube starts autoplaying “Catching Moles by Hand | Aggressive Mole” and I am intrigued.


Let the good times mole.

I’m not sure about you, but I’ve only seen moles in children’s books. Sometimes I actively have to remember whether or not they are fictional creatures or not, because I have only heard them mentioned in a Beatrix Potter/Chronicles of Narnia-type setting.



They look like if you put flippers on a rubber glove that was kicking around a city street.

This rubber glove is just flapping, flapping away, dragging its foreskin body around like a limp seal.



How do we live with such horror? And people think platypi are bad, these fuckers don’t have arms!!! God didn’t see fit to put in the time or resources to give them that extra chunk of bone. He just cut his losses on that abomination and doomed it to live in the center of the earth, avoiding five iron swings for the rest of eternity, with no eyes to see it’s own hideousness.

Like Johnny Got His Gun, only the horror is life itself.



For 10th grade Chemistry, we each made moles in honor of Mole Day, here is my angsty contribution from October 2005, the monster known as “Molissey”

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: