Shitting Your Pants (Collected Works)

A friend once told me, two things are certain: everyone dies and everyone shits their pants. I love a good pants shitting story, because I feel they are a surefire way of sorting the men/women from the boys/girls; there are people who feign dignity either from ignorance or conceit, and there are people who from foresight or misfortune have accepted our collective fate and embraced it. I would much rather hang out with the second group of people.


The Ryan’s Steakhouse Incident

If you didn’t think a heart-warming pants-shitting tale was possible, prepare to be delighted. The Ryan’s Steakhouse Incident will make you feel closer to your partner and your steakhouse waitstaff. It is like Eat, Pray, Love with more poop.


Plane Pooping Story

I find this one the most horrifying despite the incredibly specific conditions it occurred under (a small private jet.) The Plane Pooping Story is an example of the incredible apathy of the universe as described by Werner Herzog and the terrifying lack of practicality in engineering.


Daniel Tosh’s Abandoned Talk Show Project “Self-Defecating Humor”

Celebrity pants shitting! This was not an automatic shoe-in based on celebrity status. This story can compete with the most horrific of pants-shitting stories. Particularly disturbing if you have a fear of shitting in front of someone of romantic interest or have expensive taste in menswear.


Sami Callihan vs. Red Line

Sami Callihan offers a tale of combining a truck stop energy drinks and being on the receiving end of a release suplex that is neither cautionary nor burdened by shame. Sami Callihan truly gives no fucks. By the end of the story it seems uncertain he will even abstain from drinking the energy drinks in the future, even if he’s sure they made him crap himself in the first place.


Margaret Cho Persimmon Diet

As if you needed any further evidence a one item diet was a bad idea, the Queen of unfiltered honesty Margaret Cho is here to describe her experiences on “the persimmon diet.” I swear Margaret Cho goes through the entire cycle of life in the ensuing moments, and that is what the heart of shitting your pants is all about. Everyone knows you uncontrollably crap yourself at the beginning and end of your life, but it’s that shitting yourself in the middle of life, on the cusp of life is cruel, and you brought this on yourself, that is your signature, your statement on how you’re going to live your life.

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