It’s hard time to be a wrestling fan. On top of historically low ratings, loyal fans are rewarded with merchandise of cartoon Cena promising hustle, loyalty, and respect in a ’70s strip club font plastered across their ass. So just in time for the holidays – a gift guide for people who like pro-wrestling who mostly don’t want to admit to liking pro-wrestling.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to be the most well-dressed member of The Wyatt Family. They have set the bar incredibly low. White flats may not be the most practical footwear for following the buzzards through a bayou, but damn it are they ever cute. Sister Abigail approved.
Max Steiner Cinderblock Necklace
The sheer impracticality of the cinder block has always made them one of my favorite weapons. I love the brutality of smashing someone’s head through one, but also the inherent lack of logic. I hate you so much, I’m going to drag this heavy object around, and try to clobber you with it in an incredibly imprecise fashion. Also this necklace looks FUCKING COOL. I love the way the chain is tied around the cinderblock, not secured daintily with an o-ring. For the guy or girl who was rooting for WCW would win the Monday Night Wars (or that ECW would rise from the dead and bludgeon them both.)
One of the few practical tools in the pro-wrestling landscape, the ladder can be used to reach up and grab the title in a ladder match, or maim your opponent if he or she gets a little too sassy. I like ladder’s in wrestling because it’s one of the few times a wrestler poses as big a danger to him or herself as their opponent does. This ladder seems to represent the ladder’s more positive inclininations, all golden and reaching toward the sky.
You a fan of Ambrose memes? NOPE.
Luchador Throw Pillow
The artwork is so painterly, and tassels are such a cheerful form of decorative trim, no one will guess you clutch this during the particularly suspenseful moments of Lucha Underground.
I don’t care, these are amazing. Unless you know what Stardust looks like, I’m just a comic book nerd, theater hag, or into KISS.
Money in the Bank Lunch Box
For the discerning fan who wants to feign irony when they really wish they had the extra cash and extra balls to shell out for a Money in the Bank replica briefcase.
Championship Belt Pint Glass Set
Mostly understated except for the big mofuckin’ W.
Bicycle Luchadores Playing Cards
For the most hipster game of poker, or the round of Kings you play during commercials (aka Michael Cole drinking game breathers.)
Wyatt Family Sheep Mask
To everyone else you’re just a person in a creepy plastic sheep mask.
Mr. Bump Mug
Everyone loves childhood nostalgia and the Mister books. Who knew that bumbling fuck Mr. Bump was so into spandex and self-inflicted pain?
Luchador Nesting Dolls
It’s art, you monkey.
Alex & Chloe Tooth Necklace
In appreciation of Dolph Ziggler, who has lost approxiamitely 12 full sets of adult teeth in the ring.
Clap & Clap & Clap, Clap, Clap t-shirt
It’s a very popular rhythm.
Colt Cabana Boom Boom Wrassleroos
Because no one will ever see these as you sit alone in your mother’s basement.