Dude, so first of all, I got a motherfucking flu shot and my arm hurt for two days. Like a charlie horse running from my shoulder to my wrist, and all the bones in the wrist and the back of my hand felt like I beat them against a wall. I rested. I elevated. I tried doing push ups and swinging my arm around. The only advice on Mayo Clinic genunely amounted to “stop being a pussy.” I couldn’t sleep allllll night. What IS that? I got the flu shot last year and it definitely ached, but I wasn’t in uncontrollable pain that acetaminophin couldn’t touch.

My arm still feels weak. It was weak before, but weaker.

My doctor’s office played Maury in the waiting room. I had never been there before, so we’ll see how it goes, but that seems like a POSITIVE first date. At first it seemed deeply unprofessional (which I was nonetheless delighted by) but as my wait went on, it’s absolutely genius. First of all, everyone loves Maury. Not everyone will admit it, but everyone will sit down and watch Maury if someone else puts it on. I actually think it’s more shameful to be in this group, because at least I’m not a liar. I know I like Maury, and I know this is not a positive quality. At least I know what I am. Second of all, everyone feels better about their life when Maury is on. It’s hard to feel miserable about having a sickly constitution and terrible health insurance when Amanda just guessed who her baby’s father was wrong for the third time. There was a man in the episode whose father had “denied” him as an adult, because the man came out as gay, and his ‘father’ claimed he couldn’t be his Dad because he didn’t have “the gay gene” as evidenced by his two straight daughters.

He was the father, obviously, and apologized in that amazing Maury way where you yell a bunch of heinous things at someone seconds before you end up backstage, begging for forgiveness, in a way that to me, may not be lasting, but always seems miraculously sincere.

Genius.

So it’s Halloween and I think I did A+ on Halloween. Halloween is my bitch. I’m very competitive with holidays. It’s not attractive. Like most things I do, it’s not pleasant to live through. I didn’t have a raucous Halloween, but I had children at my door saying my decorations scared them and people outside photographing my house and I assembled treatbags that were full of candy (one more piece than last year, because personal growth) and aesthetically pleasing and all sealed with curled ribbon that was ALL OF EQUAL LENGTH because I measured each piece aganinst a paint stick.

Fuck happiness, I won Halloween.

A child tried to climb inside my house. He was maybe 2 and wearing a bow tie and I would have kept him because he was adorable.

Halloween is the one day of the year I love kids. I like kids individually on other days of the year, it’s a case by case basis. But on Halloween I love them all, and I will work for their adoration.

There was a kid dressed as a fortune teller, the full box/machine. Like a homemade, but insanely well made costume. The coin slot was a candy slot with an integrated bag. His costume was lined. LINED. He had rings on every finger. Nice costume rings. He was my favorite. I may love him slightly more.

I love the lazy ass teenagers too. I love your gall, with your lack of costumes, and plastic bags. You walked, I will give you candy. They’re always the nicest too, high schoolers. Old enough to see life’s general bent. Old enough to see how rare free candy gets.

I tried to make my Mom watch Backchat but she fell asleep because she couldn’t understand their accents. Tbh, I picked what amounted to be a really bad episode for Americans, which was the one with Noel Fielding and some politician that got an egg thrown at him and he punched the guy? I don’t know, Noel was getting overshadowed, which I didn’t think was possible. Canadians have gotten far worse shit pelted at them then eggs, and Americans would have had a shadowy security team shoot the guy, so I was not in a position to be regaled by his antics.

She did wake up when I switched the channel to Animal Planet though. We watched a bitch get bit by a snake, which frankly was the second time I watched said bitch get bit by a snake, because I had seen that segment before. Didn’t see the bitch get bit by a giant rat though, that was new. It was basically a show about giant “pets” but 90% of the “pets” were animals that did not belong inside and just bit people. They bit bitches. It was a gallery of delusion.

We got through most of “Oddest Animal Couples” too. I think this is my third viewing. Dog befriends deer? Cat with duck babies? Yes, please. I keep thinking I am too cynical to handle another viewing, but I always watch it.

So much for my night of crappy horror comedies. There was nothing on cable, and the only thing I really wanted to see was Ash vs. The Evil Dead but I don’t get Starz. Maybe I’ll watch Zombeavers or something on Hulu. I don’t like actual horror movies, and I’m not a real b-movie person unless it’s… the more elitist kind of b-movie where I can be like “I’m a populist! Cinema for the people!” so horror is a rough genre for me. I really just want a list of “Things that are like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.”

Yeah, we’ll see how it goes. Animal Planet has stopped broadcasting for the night, so I have no fall back plan.