Water heater exploded about 15 minutes before the season premiere of The Walking Dead. I had prepared snacks.

I went downstairs to grab my sheets out of the dryer, when I was greeted with the smell of a fish market.

This would be an immediate tip off for anyone who didn’t live in my house. My sister is fond of preparing seafood for herself inadequately, and even once gave herself food poisoning, puked in a trash can, then left it in my Mom’s room because she “didn’t know what to do with it.”

So I thought, there is a bag of puke in my basement, somewhere. Nothing to see here.

But my Mom is paranoid about every plumbing noise in the house. It’s a house constructed as labyrinthine as House of Leaves where you can hear someone urinate, in full volume, from two floors below.

I figured she’d stand their awkwardly for a few moments before getting bored.

NOPE, FLOOR FLOODED.

MOMENTS BEFORE THE FUCKING WALKING DEAD.

So we’ve been trying to shut off the cold water valve with a 90-degree wood clamp I got to fix a bookcase because nothing else is big enough. And using pie pans, a paint tray, and ALL THE CLEAN TOWELS (cries internally) to soak up the water. Draining this 40 gallon motherfucker into a Home Depot bucket at a rate of no water an hour because it’s in the basement, gravity won’t do shit, we don’t have a water drainage pump, because WHY WOULD WE PURCHASE THAT, and there’s no drainage in the floor.

And none of the plumbing companies in our area have called us back in now close to 18+ hours, because everyone is a cunt.

We did watch Walking Dead after resigning ourselves to our fate. I only understood the second half, because I retained nothing of what happened last year. I thought Glenn was dead. I thought Nicholas was dead. I forgot all about Noah and his plight. I thought the Senator woman was dead. I thought they fleed Alexandria.

I wish Maggie was dead.
I wish the Senator was dead.
I wish that haircutting girl Rick wants to make Carl’s new Mommy was dead.
I wish Alanna was dead.
At which point my mom yelled “YOU ONLY HATE HER ‘CAUSE SHE’S GAAAAAAY”

I am naming my first child after Eugene.
Father Gabriel getting shut down by the squad was the single greatest moment of the episode, no contest.
I can’t wait for the Wolves.
If any teenager, the girl, the hipster son I don’t remember, that little chocolate loving motherfucker Carol threatened to kill is honking that goddamn horn I am going to hurl my television into the yard.

Gonna go Yelp some plumbers.

Was gonna wear a cute outfit but I haven’t showered since I ain’t got no water.

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY.