I can now stop talking about Tough Enough unless I’m stupid enough to watch it next year, which I probably am

I watched the finale of Tough Enough, and what would you know, but in the only episode of the series that focused predominately on wrestling, Amanda and Josh came out on top. Of course, as per tradition, the challenges didn’t mean anything, and Sara Lee beat out Amanda, while Pale Roman Reigns/Josh whipped ZZ by a margin so large I have trouble believing it wasn’t manipulated. You’ve got to keep some things consistent, I guess.

The finale was by far the most interesting episode of the season, which is not to say it was particularly riveting, but it was engaging by comparison. This only reinforced my opinion that they tried to make a show that appealed to both wrestling fans and would co-opt non-wrestling fans waiting for Chrisley Knows Best to start, then failed at both. At least with the barracks stuff removed (for the most part, they still threw in Amanda slut-shaming Sara out of nowhere, which sent Mick Foley into an educating/self-promoting cycle online) there was a sense of purpose. 1. Develop character. 2. Cut promo. 3. Match. 4. Critique. That should have been the whole show. Have a way broader weekly goal, relevant criticism from judges, viewer elimination, move on. Cute montage at the finale showing everyone’s progress throughout the season. Like The Voice or any other skills based talent show. Borrow contestants from the smaller indys, the local indy gets some much needed exposure, while WWE gets competent wrestlers.

Where is my contract WWE/USA. Fuck it, just let me run the whole network, I obviously have a very nuanced understanding of television.

A genuinely shocking event occurred in that they actually showed “WWE Creative” and I am putting that in quotations because I am convinced they were actors hired to play members of the creative team for fear of violence towards the actual creative team if they were to be identified. Spoiler: WWE Creative was not good at the one job it had, which was to pick an entrance song and design ring gear.

WWE Tough Enough Ring Gear: Expectation vs. Reality, aka a Taste of the Endless Oscillation between Naive Optimism and Crushing Disappointment that is Wrestling

ZZ Pitch: Enter the ring wearing a gator skin, wearing it’s head like a hat.
ZZ Result: Someone should have aborted the mission when they realized how inflexible a gator hide is. He looked like he was wearing a Slip N Slide with a face. There was no mechanism to attach the gator to his head, so he was sort of balancing it like a tribal villager with a basket on their head, clutching it with one arm, while he tried to stuff his way into the ring.

Josh Pitch: Jon Snow’s Night’s Watch cloak was referenced, as was Bad News Barrett. he Yeti would become a regal snow Yeti.
Josh Result: Baby blue trunks. They weren’t even nice trunks. They weren’t even fitted trunks. They resembled a cloth diaper. Bo Dallas is in a coma laughing

Amanda Pitch: Wanted to come out to some 80s rock (I think Guns N Roses?) in all black leather. I pictured a stripper + Seth Rollins + Miller Lite. Never have I been so excited by Amanda’s character. Never did I think Amanda would choose something like that for her character.
Amanda Result: Black and lime green jersey workout gear with a plastic chain stapled across her chest. This was actually the best one, sadly. I think that’s just because Amanda has a body of a Bratz Doll and they put her in tight-ass spandex.

Sara Pitch: Sara wanted to wear flannel.
Sara Result: Wore flannel. I don’t even know how you botch “I would like to wear something flannel,” but that is the magic of WWE.

Adriana and I assembled better costumes at a table in Good Stuff Eatery in the hours before Raw that one time (kept trying to link the post then realized, oh right, I never wrote one, because it was the worst Raw I have ever seen) and she was coming from work. As a librarian. She transformed from librarian to Luke Harper with nothing but one backpack of supplies inside a burger joint. It took WWE a year and a half to give Dean Ambrose jeans that fit and Ryback is still running around looking like a Duplo block, and they’re on the main roster, so I guess the Tough Enough contestants didn’t stand a chance.

Goodbye Tough Enough, you were mesmerizing in your utter failure. You had all the aspects of the WWE that frustrate the shit out of me, with none of the fleeting highs. I know I’ll never see you again, because your first half contains Hulk Hogan, and no one cares enough to edit you out like CM Punk.

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