So i watched Teen Mom OG, never got around to writing a response because a) it switched times and i could never figure out when it was on, b) because nothing happened. I’m a woman of limited means and intelligence and interests but most of all I am a woman of LIMITED DVR SPACE and it became immediately clear this was not a DVR worthy program.

They kept hyping how its been 4 years and omg so much has changed and omg we’re not 16 anymore, that was the key statement of the series “it’s like, I’m not sixteen anymore” but literally, they could have all been sixteen, nothing would have changed.

Maci is still in TN, but has a new baby daddy who I find sketchy as hell (80% because he is too quiet, 20% because he is ginger) who moved from LA to be with her. I do not trust normals who appear out of nowhere and date celebrities, and I certainly don’t trust people who move from LA to someplace else (unless it is New York, city only, not state.) Perennial shitbag you don’t want to admit you’d sleep with but you probably would Ryan has upgraded his ATVs for a fleet of Camaros and a complementary set of DUIs. All that is missing is a letterman jacket because he very well be in the eigth round of twelvth grade. The shortness of his temper is quickly being matched by the shortness of his hairline. He did get a hot GF that I wish would have stuck around and gotten famous so I could steal her makeup tips.

Are we sure Ryan and Chelsea’s ex-boyfriend Adam are different people, because even writing that I kept getting confused which was which.

Farrah is Farrah. Although everyone talked about it like it was a new low, I don’t think being railed in the pooper changed her much. Sofia seems like her only friend, and unhealthy or not, I’m glad they have each other, because everyone else around them is fucking insane. Her mom is turning into a combination of Regina George’s Mom and a polyurethane pool cover stretched over a rickety park bench. Any suspicions you had of Farrah being named after Farrah Fawcett should be promptly closed, because this woman’s love of the 1970s is so apparent it is prancing braless down a beach in cornrows. Farrah’s Mom attempts to open a salsa business with Farrah, which drives Farrah to confide in her rando middle aged neighbor because Sofia doesn’t know about free market economics / salsa farming. Holy shit. I dare you to watch this season and continue to question Farrah’s decision-making, because GF is clearly just working with what she’s got.

Farrah rages on Maci in the only compelling moment of the season, after Maci is “caught” threatening to drop out of the show over Farrah’s reinstatement (for a hot second MTV pretended they were above Farrah and refused to let her on the show, until all the producers, which were bizarrely on screen this season, in an act of faux-transparency that only made everything feel more exploitative, simultaneously thought, ‘hey, it doesn’t “feel right” without Farrah,’ YEAH OKAY.) Maci explains she thinks Farrah is a bad influence and temporarily “quit” the show, and permanently removed Bentley, because she was uncomfortable with the idea they could theoretically cut from Bentley sitting in kindergarten to Farrah talking about anal. Fair enough. I thought it was refreshing she acknowledged the editing, and the fact her life could/would be played for shock value, not the pseudo educational puritanical after school special MTV claims it as (while they simultaneously cast Farrah.) After criticizing Farrah left and right, Maci drops the good ol’ “it’s not personal” card (despite everything she said being clearly specific to Farrah) and Farrah calls her BS and directly and coherently shuts her the fuck down. I like Maci just fine but I was like HOLY FUCK, GO FARRAH.

Amber is clean, on the mend, and shacking up with a guy called Old Matt, who I’m sure I controversially adore. Old Matt’s an old DJ from Boston with a wicked Boston accent and a no nonsense attitude. He appears one morn when a cloud of signed celebrity headshots that belong in a deli appear on Amber’s living room walls. That’s how you know you’ve got an Old Matt infestation, headshots appear. Anyways, Old Matt is a recovering addict and Teen Mom fan boy that met Amber online (I’m hoping it was Myspace.) It’s so fucking bizarre that I actually love them, especially with the stoic Old Matt’s incredibly awkward conversations with crayon eating, self determined, star child Leah, who I genuinely feel is more interesting than most of the adults I know. Gary’s a fucking wet sponge person, and spends the season somehow looking like he is constantly teetering precariously even though he is never not sitting down. Weeble Gary has adopted the choice eyewear of pedophiles/hipsters everywhere, the aviator glasses (they come with a 1987 Chevy Astro and a court order to stay away from schools.) From his perch atop the faux leather sofa, he calls Amber to alternately tell her: ‘let’s be a family again!’ and ‘I’m fucking this new girl and we’re very happy, why aren’t you moving on?!’ My apologies to Amber if this is anywhere close to a realistic portrayal of their relationship. I was always Team Gary, but dude is a bastard. Amber 2.0 is this girl named Christina who I spent like 3 months feeling awful for, because she came across really mousey and sweet, like a Disney character, and was constantly in the middle of Gary & Amber’s bullshit, but apparently she was cheating on her ex-husband with Gary, so at the very least there’s a little more there. But fuck ’em all, because I’d like their entire segment to be devoted to Leah posing, prancing, and talking about all the objects she has recently eaten.

Tyler & Catelynn are Tyler & Catelynn, adorably goofy, totally committed to one another, working hard to make it work in an uncaring world like Tommy & Gina, which is wonderful, but not particularly riveting. Catelynn is pregnant with their second daughter, for most of the season, which brings up the most important Catelynn & Tyler fact: first daughter: Caroline Elizabeth, second daughter: Novalyn Reign. Holy fuck, what kind of baby name 180 is that? Reminds me of this Math teacher I had whose family’s names were like Shannon, Mike, Tracy, and Quartz. Also when they weren’t sure if they were having a boy or a girl, Tyler was adamant about naming their potential son Slayde, because it sounded like the name of an assassin. So obviously I have been praying that she will bore him a son. Which brings me to: they had a “gender reveal” party. With a pinata. If this is a trend, kill me now. When my friends start having babies, I will not pay money for their bridal showers, bachelorette parties, wedding presents, a baby shower, and a motherfucking gender reveal party. Just paint the nursery green and name it Pat. Fuck you all.

Tyler & Catelynn were, per usual, the source of the only genuine emotion in the series, when they went to visit Carly for her birthday. Carly (and Carly’s mom) were so excited for the arrival of baby Nova. Carly even brought the baby some of her old clothes and toys so they could grow up with the same things. I died. It melted my stone cold baby hating heart. (Leah doesn’t count as a baby because she is clearly an alien from another galaxy sent to educate us on which brands of crayons taste the best.)