My Mom’s Birthday, Getting Bit By Mosquitoes, Hanging Out With Jess

Dude, I can barely remember what happened this week, I wish it was due to some blackout scenario but I think the days are just starting to all run together.

It was my Mom’s birthday, and she wanted to go to Good Stuff Eatery, so we went into D.C. because those burgers are an act of God. I had the Vietnamese Coffee milkshake, and I would like them to just stab me with a turkey baster and inject it straight into my heart because it was divine. The weather was nice and the row houses were beautiful as always. My heart is definitely not in D.C. long-term, but who couldn’t fantasize about living on Capitol Hill in a historic brownstone with gorgeous, ornate, wrought iron steps. No one.

Got screwed on the Metro, naturally. It was so hot, and so humid, and there was no moving air, and everyone was literally back to back, ass to sweaty ass, down the entire line. I’ve stood on crowded subways plenty of times, but never in that sort of hog crate scenario for that length of time. It felt like someone had beat me in the back of the knees and the small of my back with a baseball bat for three of four days afterwards.

Continue reading

NXT Philly Night 1: 5/14/15

God, I make everything too wordy so I’m dreading discovering the length I could make this.

Went to see NXT in Philadelphia with Adriana and her brother through no effort of my own. Adriana’s brother managed to snag tickets despite them apparently selling out in minutes and then drove to Philly. Yeah.

Continue reading

Throwback Thursday: My Middle School Blog

May 7, 2003, “”
ahh okay. it’s been long without an entry. i’ve been working on [old domain I had], which when it finally gets up, will be the new home of this blog. anyways. a quick recap of last week: tuesday, in the middle of social studies, the other social studies teacher walked into our room and gave everyone beef jerkey. coincidentally, we were learning about the donner party… pleasant. the same day, one of the popular kids practically fainted in the middle of the math room door way. i felt bad for him. he was just laying their in the door way as they tried to find the nurse. we had to push all the desks away from the other door so kids could get in… cause we couldnt step over him. eventually we just moved the whole class into the library, cause he was still there. thursday we had the coolest french sub. she liked metallica and got kicked off napster for dloading their songs. sunday… omg… ok so i was sitting in my moms car in the parking lot of this bookstore called borders… i was waiting for my sister to put her walkman in her bag so that we could go into the store (she cant just shove the walkman in the bag, she has to perfectly roll it up) when i see these 2 guys walking towards the car a space away from us. and they both looked emo, and were really hot, and one of them was wearing a sum 41 shirt. so out of excitement i yell SUM 41! not realizing that my mom had turned the noisy car engine off, and they can now hear me. im just like OH FUCK. then the sexy emo boys get into their car and drive away. in borders i bought a new book for my lyrics…and a magazine that makes fun of courtney love (ha!) then i went to starbucks and got a chocolate frappucino or something like that… it was good… so are expresso brownies. holy shit their good too. we went out to dinner it was so boring. as i was starring at the table i figured out that i didnt know hot emo sum fan’s name. so i decided to make one up…nick ritter… named after the emo kid named nick at my school, and tyson ritter singer of emo band, the all american rejects. wee… dats the shit yo. haha. tuesday… we saw a midsummer night’s dream play at school… today… was a half day. at 3:45 i got my ears pierced. it’s a very odd feeling to get your ears pierced… very weird. the nurse hat pierced my ears was really nice. so thats cool. then i went to walgreens and bought lipgloss and stuff to clean my ears so they dont get infected, and my mom bought me mcdonalds, and i figured out how to work her car cd player, and played soco in her car cause i couldnt wear headphones cause of my ears. and then i got home at like 4:32, and ate my mcdonalds… now im here… writing this…
May 7, 2003, “quick recap”
quick recap… haha… i cant believe i wrote that much…

2015 Notes:

  • My sister still does that with her headphones, and it still annoys the shit out of me
  • I have zero recollection of anyone passing out in the hallway
  • I do remember the vast majority of this day, including the substitute teacher and the hot emo fucks. Nick Ritter became my mental catchall term for anyone hot I didn’t know, which obviously managed to be a ton of people over the years.
  • This was literally the first time I had ever been in a Borders, or a Starbucks. I became convinced a long time ago that this one great day in a pile of garbage days was the reason I later patronized both so aggressively. You’re welcome, Starbucks.
  • RIP Borders
  • Piercing my ears was a source of incredible emotional turmoil for 2-3 years, which seemed like an unbearably long time. I genuinely felt my parents had ruined my life by not having my ears pierced as a baby when I wouldn’t remember it. I had a crippling fear of the pain, but also desperately wanted “real” piercings (which I was somehow less afraid of?) and thought it would be the weirdest, most unimaginable concept ever to get a piercing at a shop before having my ears pierced. On one hand it’s great that these were my concerns, (and not food, shelter, etc.) but on the other hand, I was literally sick from grappling with this level of decision-making. I ended up getting my ears pierced a second time a month later (which I regret, ruined the symmetry) and another over the years another 8+ more holes jammed through my body. I correctly predicted that part of my life.
  • A woman mistook me for a Walgreen’s employee during this trip, and it was such a source of crippling embarrassment to me for so many years, I assume it’s not written here because I couldn’t even bear to write it down. Not because she mistook me for a drugstore employee mind you, but because she mistook me for anyone at all. I managed to feel both completely exposed and somehow disappointed that I wasn’t who she wanted me to be. The social anxiety came on early, and strong, apparently.

Hillary Clinton Real American™ Campaign Stop Scavenger Hunt 2015 for 2016

Chipotle is minor league, if HRC wants to stand a chance, she has to win America.

  1. Use a Starbucks bathroom without the baristas noticing you haven’t bought anything
  2. Be ejected for drunken heckling at a children’s sporting event
  3. Persecute someone
  4. Use a water cup for soda, avoid arrest
  5. Defend a questionable action or opinion with “I thought this was America.”
  6. Obtain BMI >30
  7. Costco run.
  8. Visit a 24 hour supermarket in pajama pants
  9. Torrent Game of Thrones
  10. Call Comcast customer service
  11. Run over pedestrian in John Deere
  12. Don’t vote

The Most Disturbing Song of All Time: Clint Holmes’ “Playground In My Mind” (1972)

You know how these theoretical questions always come up at parties, like “what song would you kill yourself to?” or “if you could replace the soundtrack to Fern Gully with one album from the 1978-1985 Factory Records catalogue what would you choose?” I never have an answer for those. I have lots of ideas, but as soon as the question is posed I enter a temporary coma.

Well right now, while I’m of sound mind, I want to submit Clint Holmes’ 1972 ode to Satan, “Playground In My Mind” as the most disturbing song of all time.

My Dad once owned, and probably still owns, a Sounds of the ’70s compilation from one of those mail order CD clearinghouses of the 1990s. This compilation was filled with many gems, including one of my genuine, un-ironic, favorite songs of all time, Looking Glass’ “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl).” I was willing to suffer through the endlessly depressing “Wildfire,” but “Playground in My Mind” crossed the goddamn line. It haunted my childhood. I have no idea why someone would commit this song to record in either analog or digital format. It is the sound of a horrific repressed memory.