Teen Mom 2 was borderline unbearable last night. It’s been a while since I’ve debated whether or not to turn the whole thing off.
We finally got the long-awaited conclusion to “where the fuck did Jenelle‘s dogs go?” and I kind of wish we hadn’t. Apparently they’ve been crated in the garage the whole time, and the mysterious second dog, owned by Nathan, is !!SHOCKER!! a Husky. Why can’t irresponsible dog owners ever adopt a fifteen year old Shih Tzu that just wanders around and sleeps all day. They always need a Pit Bull or a Husky or in this case both. In another stunning turn of events that I’m sure will not be stunning to anyone who has
owned a dog spent time with a dog seen a picture of a dog, the dogs were nonplussed at being caged in a North Carolina garage and Luger (Jesus Christ, Nathan) decided to go for an Andy Dick Prison Break (escape, eat cage, shit on floor.) Jenelle curses out the dogs and threatens to get rid of them before shoving them both into one cage (since the other has been eaten) to go buy a replacement. As she’s putting together the cage, Luger snaps at the Pit Bull, so she does the obvious thing and opens the door and prays they flee into the wilderness. I have a feeling those dogs didn’t run past the front lawn, or in the most extreme scenario, they got taken in by someone with production, but bless them, running might be their best option. Baby Jace should have gone with them, they could all live down by the river and form their own society based around karate and destroying furniture.
Leah might be the only person more fucked than Jenelle’s dogs. Since the last time we saw her, Leah has become involved in a pyramid scheme. OF COURSE LEAH IS INVOLVED IN A PYRAMID SCHEME. People who are inextricably screwed like Leah are exactly the targets of pyramid schemes. Leah’s portion of the show involved her and Jeremy going to Big Sandy (Jesus Christ) and attempting to buy a new washer and dryer. Leah’s credit card is declined and she’s forced to admit to Jeremy she spent $1300 on Mary Kay makeup to sell. Her justification is so laden with buzzwords she reads more like an informational booklet than a human being. She’s “growing her business” she’s receiving “54% of the profit” she knows you’ve got to “spend money to make money.” I want to know what’s in the pills she’s on because she’s turning into Ellen Burstyn in Requiem For A Dream real fast. It. Is. Heartbreaking.
Was Chelsea even in this episode? Chelsea is pissed that Adam has gotten into another traffic accident (fair enough) and that her esthetician license is still being held by the labor board. North Dakota’s bureau of labor apparently does not have a lot on it’s plate. She’s also chastises Aubree for sitting on the table, but Aubree is her own woman and cannot be contained.
Kailyn‘s segment should be mandatory viewing for ninth grade sexual education classes. It was not particularly dramatic, or negative, in fact, it centered on Kailyn celebrating her 21st birthday with her friends and family. Still I think this exchange with her friend at her birthday dinner perfectly summarizes the problem with having a child at a young age, or any child, ever, period.
Kailyn: pumped milk just in case we decided to go out
Kailyn’s friend: it’s your birthday
Have fun trying to describe your life with a child to anyone who doesn’t have a kid. It’s not relatable. Look how many columns and indie-comedies are produced every year by semi-self-aware thirty-somethings trying to describe life after kids and the divide between parents and non-parents. If people with disposable income and time to wax poetic can’t grasp it, teenagers are fucked. Kailyn’s friends are sitting around lamenting the lack of lime in their mojitos, as an aspect of her life that has hugely complicated things (breastfeeding) just goes over their heads. Kailyn looks like she had a fun night out, but I couldn’t help but thing of these poor, delusional girls on 16 and Pregnant who are thinking stretch marks will be the most lasting impact of creating life, and if they could just get back to that pre-pregnancy body everything will be the same. They can still go clubbing, they’ll just need a babysitter. Meanwhile Kailyn’s dressed up in front of a platter of booze and thinking about breastmilk.