Teen Mom 2, Season 5, “Overload”

Jenelle has another car (a Camaro?) Two-door, I think, which is great for babies. Either way it’s a cherry red tiny penis wagon, which makes me wonder if it was a purchase for Nathan. No girl in her early twenties is looking for American steel. If that relationship ends she will be in a Mini Cooper covered with Roxy stickers in under 24 hours.

She also has a cat. That Nathan did not strangle like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. It was a tense moment for me though, screaming ‘Nathan put that cat down your pregnant girlfriend is crying in the bathroom’ at my television.

Fucking Norm. Norm is North Carolina Randy. I have no idea what this man is like in his personal life, but in the five minutes we had with him on television, I fell in love. That accent. Those thick-ass arms. The JAGERMEISTER PAGEBOY HAT (I didn’t know such things existed.) Norm is Jersey chivalry at its finest. I don’t know where Norm is actually from, but his heart belongs to the Eastern seaboard I’m sure. “What do you need from me bro? You need me to check up on her? Put down your pride, lets talk man-to-man.” Dude is just a straight-up, no bullshit, old school morals kind of guy. Teddy Roosevelt would have dry humped this motherfucker.

It would have been a rare, sweet moment for Teen Mom 2 had Nathan and Jenelle not seemed totally oblivious. I know they’re in front of a camera, and probably psychologically drained from an unborn child and a toddler and nine pets and twelve cars and a metric fuck- ton (fuck-litre?) of legal troubles, but these two seem so hollow all the time. Does anyone else get that sense? I know the easy answer would be “they’re stupid” and/or hiiiiiigghhh but it seems like there’s something else there. Even when people try to help them, they just seem completely shut-down.

Too much real talk about Teen Mom 2. RAAANNNDDDYY. I think Randy appeared in under 5 minutes this episode. It’s a Randy best. Randy didn’t do anything besides be Randy, but that’s fine. My favorite moment of the episode actually involved Chelsea‘s dogs, who you could hear snorting in the background throughout Chelsea and Randy’s serious conversation at the table. How much do you think the MTV producers hate that she has a pug and a french bulldog, two breeds that are incapable of breathing quietly? (fun fact from too much Animal Planet, the word for flat-faced dogs is bracocephalic.)

Not much to say about Chelsea specifically, since her only woe is her license troubles which is kind of out of her hands. But holy shit Adam.

‘The only thing they have against me is my DUIs and when I got in all that trouble but that doesn’t have anything to do with parenting.’

Holy shit Adam are you even hearing yourself? Sure, if you get charged with non-payment of child support you’re probably going through some family-law channels, and if you get a DUI and you’re going to criminal court, but what is written on the door isn’t really the point. If you’re racking up charges like you’re trying to unlock the child-endangerment achievement, that’s obviously a “parenting” issue.

I just wanted to beam out the Dr. Drew signal watching that scene with the oddly fancy restaurant choice for dinner with preschoolers. (Side note: What is the Dr. Drew signal do you think? A crossed spoon and a crossed syringe with an 80s child star’s face? A bottle of Wellbutrin *womp womp*? Loveline-related answer would be A DIME, obviously.)

Leah. Leeeaaahhhh. I want to hug this girl so bad, but I would never know what to say to her because I cannot fathom what it must be like to be Leah on a day-to-day basis. It’s terrible, because I have a feeling the number of Leahs in this world far outweighs the number of Chelseas or even Jenelles. I pray to God MTV is throwing her some extra cash on the side to help with Ali’s medical bills, I don’t care if they film it like it didn’t happen, someone help her because this girl is sinking. The scene with her nodding off while speaking to her social worker/counselor was particularly heartbreaking because I’ve taken a buffet of different anxiety medications and sleeping pills at different points and the combination of feeling like you are (initially) constantly underwater and doing and saying things you have no control over really adds another fun layer to the alienation cake that no one ever warns you about.

I think Leah should slap Jeremy. I realize the situation is nuanced and is probably tied up in very complicated, deep running ideas about men and women’s division of responsibility within the family! gender roles! providing emotionally vs. providing financially! but I don’t think slapping Jeremy would hurt. Just once, open handed. He gets forewarning. I think it would help Leah let off some steam, he could take it and the long term consequences would be minimal.

At least I get to end on a happy note with Kailyn. Omg, Kailyn and Javi and Jo and Vee at dinner together, laughing, smiling babies, family pictures. It can’t last, I know, but I’m going to savor it. Kavijovee? Kavijovie? Kajovie? So cute.

I do have one final question though.

If: A=B, B=C, then A=C, right?

So then why: Jo looks like a turtle, Isaac looks like Jo, but Isaac does not look like a turtle?

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