Teen Mom 2 Recap

Omg, I finally got around to watching the Teen Mom 2 premiere.

Nothing explosive, but I guess they’ve got to set the stage.

Jenelle seemed to have her shit in relative order. I did notice that as she was leaving the house with Nathan to go to the ultrasound technician, that bitch has some sort of guinea pig/rabbit cage by the door. Girl, wtf do you need to be adding a guinea pig into your life for. I realize given all her responsibilities, small mammal care is probably not going to swing things either way, but why bother. ALSO OF COURSE SHE BOUGHT A HUMMER. ALSO WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF HER DOGS? At least two are unaccounted for.

You know who’s dogs aren’t missing? Kailyn‘s. When their Rottweiler stole Isaac’s pizza and he started crying, best/worst moment of the episode. It was just so mundane I thought, ‘oh my God, this is sooo real life.’

Kailyn’s got the most relatable problems I think. I’m a big Javi fan, but when Javi started fighting with Kailyn over having to watch both kids at once, and asked her to take their newborn grocery shopping, as a woman, my blood started to boil. It’s the man/woman childcare as a responsibility/childcare as a privilege double standard.

Back to Jenelle, Nathan is a slow-burning Kieffer. The weird combination of stone-faced (if you’re going to be nice) or delusional (if you’re going to be real) and being oddly perceptive of what is happening around them. It’s a combination patented by Scott Disick. You think they’re over the top douchebags until there is a sudden moment where you consider that they might be the only sane ones.

Nathan had a couple memorable lines tonight. “It’s Anglo-Saxon or German for Emperor” was a solid entry. He had a good double-negative incident where he said something like “I can’t not not see my kids anymore,” which was obviously an accident, but was still funny. The best exchange was Nathan and that badass lawyer, when he asked why he was charged with resisting arrest and she said ‘because you were being an asshole and then you asked to be tased.’

Regardless of where Nathan falls on the genius/stupidity spectrum, I am sure Jace is the smartest one on the entire show. His side-eye game is impeccable, Miss J from ANTM would gladly accept him into Miss J’s school of throwing shade.

Speaking of gays, Chelsea‘s friend Landon OMG. I’m so glad he is return (wow serious grammar error but I like it.) I’m very wary whenever a white girl on TV is friends with a guy that wears makeup, but Chelsea and Landon seem so genuine and he and Aubree are adorable together. Also his hair is fantastic.

Also, Randy. Randy is his own sentence, he needs no explanation. I would seriously love to see Randy write a divorced Dad sitcom based on his life, where he’s all salt-of-the-earth North Dakota-y, then his teenage daughter gets pregnant and becomes a reality star. That has got to seriously impede your parenting plans. So many hijinks.

Who is left, Leah? Leah just makes me sad. She is so isolated. Every time she is featured I just want to tell her to move closer back to her family because Rob Thomas Jeremy isn’t going to understand her anytime soon, nor is her relationship with Cory getting less awkward. I am glad Ali is still the most adorable badass little girl and that THEY FINALLY CAPTIONED ALEEAH/GRACE AS “ALEEAH GRACE” because that was getting so confusing.

Things I want to see: whatever Jenelle does next, more Jace side-eye, more Barbara, Nathan enrolls as a philosophy major at the University of Phoenix, the triumphant return of Kieffer (ugh I wish), more of Randy’s girlfriend (Rita?), Cory pimps Ali’s wheelchair with streamers and NOS and she becomes a toddler street racing champion, an entire episode of Isaac saying whatever he wants, a continuation of Chelsea’s more tasteful makeup looks, a Landon and Aubree tea party, Janelle’s dogs show up at Kailyn’s house

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