In which I write a spoiler-filled movie review for Celeste & Jesse Forever

The movie was good but so not what I needed during this delicate point in my life. I’m like really treading water here, and have been treading for a long time. My ass is tired. It’s taking everything I have not to go under. Anything that doesn’t say life is wonderful and everything will work out perfectly is not what I need right now.

It was a lot like Like Crazy with older actors and it was more heartbreaking because the characters weren’t annoying as shit. Essentially they fall in and out of love with each other at all the opposite times, then Andy Samberg knocks a bitch up and forces a decision that way. The whole time I kept wishing the baby would die. Or she gets an abortion. Or he decides to parent the child and man-up but realizes just because he knocked this woman up doesn’t mean they’re in love. Or Hollywood, with your love of *the sacredness of motherhood* how about a well timed miscarriage. Then she’s a saint, and problem solved. But no, they gotta get married and try to work it out and he suddenly does a 180 personality wise.

Bullshit, I don’t care if life is complicated, if you love someone you need those two people together at the end of the movie. At least in Like Crazy they were ambivalent towards each other. Don’t tell me they’re perfect for each other but can never be together because of a stupid baby and the stupid nuclear family. What a crock of shit. I still hope that fake baby dies. I’m going to contact whoever wrote that script and ask them to keep writing and that fake baby will croak. That Belgian “dancer” (OMFG, they’re always dancers, how many dancers to you know in real life? and they always do pilates. everyone has done pilates. how many people do you know who consistently do pilates? no one. no one keeps up with pilates. who is from Belgium. no one.) can go fuck herself.

Here it is: Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones work out their issues. Andy moves out of the garage and Rashida’s gorgeous living quarters stay perfect with the addition of some of Andy’s quirky art and some man shit. The robot stays. Its a sign of their love. Andy grows up a bit and Rashida slightly removes the stick from her ass and the yoga guy can bang the Belgian bitch and everyone else can get super fucking high with the awesome weed dealer and watch the Beijing Olympics. Hollywood you’re welcome, I just fixed your script.

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