OK so we’ve been having problems with our fucktard neighbours pretty much since we’ve moved in. They play music RIDICULOUSLY FUCKING LOUD ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Monday at 3PM, Tuesday at 4AM, it doesn’t matter. We routinely call the police on them, because in some grand fuck up of logic, despite the fact we share a wall, we have different landlords. Their landlord doesn’t give a fuck about them annoying us, because we’re not his problem. Thus we have few options left.

OK so its Monday at 10PM, and they’re playing electro at floor shakingly loud levels. They’ve been playing music irritatingly loud all day, I’m going INSANE because I’ve been subject to this every day for 3 months, so I force Jessica to change out of her fucking pajamas (which is a cardinal sin, I am sure of it) and come with me to tell them to shut the fuck up. We’ve done it before, usually this scrawny stoner who NO LIE, looks like a cross between Steve Buscemi and a goat opens the door, and they turn it down. They forget 2 hours later, but at least for the moment, we get some relief.

Jessica and I knock, waiting for Steve Buscemi and a cloud of marijuana smoke to emerge, but out steps a metro-sexual Asian in a black button up holding a martini glass.


Kate: Hey can you turn it down?
Not Steve Buscemi: Yeah, you guys can hear it all throughout your house, eh?
K: Yeah you guys were annoying the shit out of me before you turned it up, we can hear it on every floor of our house now.
NSB: Yeah you guys are the ones who call the cops on us every week, right?
K: You deserve it
NSB: Well I’ve never got a warning
K: WE’VE COME OVER HERE A MILLION TIMES (Note: we have, obviously, and we’ve left them notes, and I would consider calling the police multiple times a pretty clear message)
NSB: We’ll we hold meetings here every Monday, and after parties afterward (Note II: didn’t know douchebags knew how to congregate besides over a few Jager bombs at the Brunny)
K: Well I live here every fucking day
NSB: Well we have musicians and producers living here (Note III: and by musicians and producers he means people who have a Mac and the pre-installed copy of GarageBand) (Note IV: JK! They’re too poor for Macs! They have their giant 1980s piece of shit of a PC propped up in their window!)
K: Then go rent some fucking studio space!
NSB: You know its not that easy. You know we picked this place because we knew we would be surrounded by college students who wouldn’t care about the noise. I don’t think we’ve met by the way, my name is Conor (holding out douchebag paw)


So before I just thought we had stoner douchebags who loved electro living next to us. Pain in the ass, drunk, step stool stealing (yes they stole it right off our deck) douchebags, but now I realize the situation is so much more dire. We have wannabe socialite, product of the MisShapes culture, “I-have-iTunes-and-a-set-of-speakers-thus-I-am-a-DJ,” douchebags. These are literally the scum of the earth to me. People who feel such a sense of entitlement and lack such a work ethic that they feel just because they want to be it, they are it. That they can walk around like fucking celebrities based on the fact they feel they deserve to be. That they can play music at fucking club-level loud, because they are artistes, and this is their Factory, NAY, their Haus of GaGa, and God damn any of the little people who get in their way.

My God, I wish you were all there to experience that because there are no words to adequately describe it. The level of condescension was absolutely mind-blowing. I literally rolled around on our floor I was so baffled. Hi, my name is Conor, I don’t think we’ve met. We’ll you know, we have musicians and producers living in here. We chose this place because College students wouldn’t mind the noise. We’ll sorry to bust open your stereotype of what a college student is like and expose you to reality Conor. That some of us might have more in mind for our lives than hosting martini parties with a Eurotrash soundtrack (my God you’re so worldly) for people who are either a) too stupid to realize what an idiot you are, or b) so fame crazed they think you or one of your RYERSON GRADUATE STUDENT friends has enough talent to make it and hopefully take one of them along for the ride. What is the world coming to.

I feel like David Lynch is scripting my life right now. That was so surreal. Where’s the bitch with the eye patch.

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