My Mom was trying to unwedge my sister’s phone from between the couch cushions and got impaled by a loose nail. The cushions are so tightly pressed together she didn’t have enough space to back her hand off the nail, and the nail was in too deep to sacrifice some surface skin and just yank her hand out, so she yelled for my sister to grab something like a can they could pry the cushions apart with. My sister came back with a silicone spatula.
So on Tuesday we voted then I went to my music lesson and my Mom was driving us to McDonalds so we could pick up food before we went home, and it was really, really, foggy out so she starts making fun of my grandfather, how he would not be pleased with her driving in this weather, “but dad, it’s only a quarter of a mile” “THAT’S ALL IT TAKES FOR A MOOSE” so we’re laughing and I point out there are no moose here, only deer, which couldn’t do the same damage to a car, and right then a FUCKING DEER RUNS INTO THE ROAD, not close enough we had to slam on the breaks, but directly in front of our car, and it walks away, and we’re just like, holy shit, instant karma, instant karma for making fun of Poppy and the moose. Lived here for 15 years, no one’s ever seen a deer there, but a deer there was. So I’m sorry Poppy. That was the craziest shit I’ve ever seen and we drove home looking out for deer that 99% of the time are not there.
Okay the first thing is I got into is This Is Not Happening, which I have seen in it’s televised form (several comics, 30 minute episodes) but I didn’t know you could watch individual sets online, which I like much better, because sometimes the match ups on that show are dicey.
A stand out for me has been Kurt Metzger talking about Jehovah’s Witness drama. I had no idea Metzger was formerly a Jehovah’s Witness, or about the uh, very insular? nature of the Jehovah’s Witness community, but the payoff of the story is great. If there is any This Is Not Happening performance I want to be true, it is this one.
Kurt Metzger – “Jehovah’s Witness Drama” (This Is Not Happening)
I also was only… aware of Big Jay Oakerson, I had yet to bear witness to his storytelling abilities. So when he popped up on the queue, I was like, what a perfect introduction to Big Jay Oakerson, a story about bearing witness to a fat white girl fight.
Big Jay Oakerson Sees Some Boobs (This Is Not Happening)
It did not disappoint. I want to party with this guy so bad. I want to take him to a family barbecue.
To switch tones completely, I saw this video entitled “Life Lessons from 100-Year-Olds” (Although the title frame clearly says “LIFE REGRETS BY 100+ YR OLDS”) I watched it out of a sense of duty, just feeling it’s important to listen to other peoples’ stories, especially when those stories could help you live a better life. I was afraid I’d be left emotionally gutted, but it’s a very very life affirming video. Just watching people be happy and talk about how satisfied they feel, and how they have great memories but still look forward to the future… it felt so warm. Warmth, in 2018? Imagine that.
Trying to clean up my Watch Later playlist and noticed I had the video for Quicksand’s “Fazer” in there, and had to give it play. Suuuuuch a good song by such a good band.
Quicksand – “Fazer”
I finished all of Big Mouth because it is *fucking amazing* and I’m always impressed by the music featured in it, but this one caught my attention for it’s lyrical content, and punky Norwegian singer. I didn’t have this song in high school but I should have.
Then the always enlightening Fiona Apple answers a fan Q&A, as she is being
VICIOUSLY ATTACKED played with by her adorable pit bull. She barely skips a beat. Honestly her professionalism is both impressive and hilarious.
Lastly, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHIT, The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell on Netflix? I’m so glad this was recommended to me, I would have never watched it on my own, because from the title and the Netflix icon, it looks like just another FOOD NETWORK PEOPLE TOUCHING CAKE THIS CAKE IS NOW UNUSABLE WHAT A WASTE THERE IS NO WAY THE CAKE SURVIVES THE HANDLING AND THE FONDANT THE FUCK IS THE POINT COMPETITION (FNPTCTCNUWWTNWCSHFFPC) but it is not. This glorious pale woman lives in haunted Sesame Street with (like actual Henson Studio produced) kind of raunchy puppets including a horny, neighborhood dog loving taxidermied raccoon with a fork for a hand and a mummified cat who can’t deal with the indignity of his current life and a very real Dita von Teese. She makes food art-y projects (usually one doable, and one advanced, but decent inspiration for common folk, per episode) and several spooky crafts I haven’t seen on Pinterest. Each episode has a little plot line involving the puppets and Christine’s daily life, i.e., Christine makes lunch for her deceased grandmother, like a most fucked up Ina & Jeffrey. It is truly wonderful, I have watched the whole thing twice. It’s so weirdly calming and enthralling, Christine McConnell making perfect, deeply disturbing shrunken head gingerbreads, the siren song of childhood regression courtesy the puppets, I feel during The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell the way I am supposed to feel during Bob Ross.
I just had a traumatizing experience. My electric toothbrush has been dying, won’t fully charge, makes sad ‘pffffffffffffft’ noise and stops moving when it touches my teeth. My Mom picked me up a new one from Costco. Very excited. Teeth have been feeling neglected. First thing I see, bluetooth symbol on the front of the toothbrush. $%&@! why do I need a toothbrush with a bluetooth connection. Will just never use it, whatever. So it’s like 2AM, I’m sliding around my vinyl bathroom floor in socks humming “New In Town”, I close my eyes to really get into the emotion of the song, hit the power button and
This thing has the power of a jackhammer and is twice as loud. It’s moving so rapidly and shaking so violently I cannot even feel if the bristles are touching my teeth, so instead it just keeps slipping to the side and the plastic brush head just rattles against my molars. It also has a strobing red light, not a small power indicator light, but a full on light strip like I’d imagine flashes in a submarine that is taking in water due to enemy fire or something. At brushing level, this is about 2″ from my closed eyelids which were expressively clenched as I focused all my energy on the chorus of a song about the power of a ladies night out.
It was like being in the accountant’s weird sensory overload room, or listening to KMFDM through a cinder block wall.
I’m keeping it because I feel like it is fighting me and I like a challenge.
EDIT: The light is part of some sort of pressure sensing mechanism. I can’t even be trusted to brush my own teeth anymore. And that LED bulb? That doesn’t look replaceable. Do I just toss the toothbrush when the bulb burns out, supposing this pressure sensing technology is worth it? That doesn’t seem green. The world is too complicated.